Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Friday, February 23, 2018

Don't Speak

I feel like I have been kicked repeatedly while I have been down. Once and than three additional times. Trying to stay strong. Trying to cope the best way I know how. Trying to throw away the bad ways to cope and listen to my heart and the good ways to make it back into a good headspace.

It hurt down to my core to hear those things. Was it constructive? Maybe? Probably? Will it change my behaviour. Yes it will. It will make me pull inside myself even more and stop expressing myself so much in public to certain people and groups of friends. Do I turn stoic? Unfeeling? Cold? I fear to lose the sparkle in my eye when I am around people I care about.

I'm trying to take it constructively. Trying to thank and be gracious. Trying to reach out to more to hear more to possibly learn more. Tears fell down my face and my heart hurt the familiar hurt that it felt last night. The one I let fall asleep amongst the ones that don't judge but also have no feeling but they do feel because I give it to them. Support.

Where do I go from here. I don't speak. I be silent and I wait. Will Sunday bring anything? I remember her words, "I don't owe you shit." which feeds the negative voice that I beat down. I focus on the positive. I will, and I hope that something constructive will come of it. A resolution. I might have to keep my mouth shut though and just take the pain in my heart and put away certain feelings.


Thursday, February 22, 2018

I feel like I have received criticisms that I don't deserve. Labels that aren't me. That I have been judged too harshly and as a result it has put me down even though I am trying to stay positive. The longer it goes, the more I realize that maybe this just isn't meant to be. It hurts, because that's not what I want, and I fear that just even voicing that concern is enough for her to just say, "fine, if you don't believe in it..." When really I do believe in it, I'm just frustrated. How are we to go forward if I just feel like we're going backwards? There is so much to go over, discuss, talk, laugh, shop, kneel, train, everything! I feel like we're just started and already it's ending.

I look everyday to see if it has been deleted. When I see that it is still there, I breathe this huge sigh of relief and then make sure there are signs of life. That nothing has been abandoned. I reassure myself that everything is going to be alright, constantly. I think of it. In reality, it's been two days since I've heard anything. It's been 4 days since I've heard anything verbally. That's not long, it really isn't. I've gone so much longer without even talking to my Dad, so why is this different?

I walk along. I distract and think positive. If this is a lesson, I've learned it. If the message was meant to come through clear, I've heard it. What I've felt though is confusing. I'm not sure what to think about these emotions that have run through me. So I write here. Where no one will see, where I can get it out as I am feeling it, sitting here at work. Husband works late so the distractions won't be all there tonight. Making a game plan, and I'm sure I will be alright.

Thinking about you and awaiting your return.