Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Friday, January 6, 2017

How I Need to Get My Life Back on Track

I feel like I'm too old to start doing anything new. That 35 is the new 65. That life just stops and nothing new can change if you're in your mid-thirties. I feel completely and utterly defeated and it's not even 10am yet.

3 years ago I was a size 10. Here I am 3 years later and I'm a size 16. I've gained a total of 65 pounds in those 3 years which is an average of just over 20 pounds a year. While I'd like to blame it all on medication, which part of it is, the truth of the matter is that I got lazy with a lot of things.

You know those Timehop and Facebook memories apps? Well I used to post a lot many years ago on FB so when these little things pop up I get a lot of things to look at. I used to post a lot of pictures of myself as well, you know, with a webcam and not a phone. *lol*  Seeing these pictures are kind of painful and you'd think they would be motivating but for some reason I just forget and fall back into old habits. It really is time for a change and I know that everyone makes new years resolutions to lose weight or eat healthy, or everything else involving physical appearance but I guess I'm just going to have to do it too. 

The thing I am most scared of is failure. I've written those words so many times. "I'm going to get healthy!" "No more excuses!" "This time I'm really going to do it!"  And how many times have I made it a couple of weeks just to fail and then stop trying altogether. How does one get motivated? How do you get motivated? I'm always saying to myself, "I wish that I had started doing this and that 6 months ago." A prime example of this was my wedding. I wanted to drop a few pounds by the time my wedding came around, and I just put it off again and again and again. Before I knew it, it was 2 months before the wedding and I had actually gained weight.

So there are a myriad of things that I need to actually do to get things done. These are things that I used to do, that I need to do. Not only do they make me feel better, but they help keep the Bipolar under control.

1. Sleep. I need at least 7 hours a night with ideally 8 and a half hours of sleep a night. I need to stop falling asleep on the couch like I've been doing for months now and actually go to bed when I'm starting to feel tired and maybe read a book until I fall asleep.

2. Night time ritual. I stopped doing this years ago. A strict night time ritual of meds, hygiene, and relaxation.

3. Daily exercise. Even if it's just getting out for a 15 minute brisk walk. Ideally I'd like to do 45 minutes a day for 6 days a week with a rest during the week. We have a gym in my work building and I can use it for free. I've made plans with my boss to go next week for three days a week. I'm going to have to go shopping though as none of my workout wear fits anymore. Great more money to go down the drain when I fucking fail.

4. Meds. I take my meds, sometimes I forget but I don't think that the meds are quite doing what they are supposed to be doing. I don't have the right cocktail again. I need to see my doctor and work out another game plan.

5. Self-Care. I do this pretty well because it's fun. I get regular mani-pedi's and even treat myself to a facial once in a while. This might be a little more difficult because we're trying to save a little money this year. So I'll schedule once every two months and try and do things at home to do a little self-care. Using facial masks, doing my own nails, dyeing my own hair. Save money and pamper, it will just take a little more work on my end.

6. Art therapy. I miss doing this and I don't know why I stopped. I did give away a lot of my art supplies though, but I do have some left and a HUGE canvas that I was trying to give away but she never picked it up. Maybe it was for a reason.

7. Journalling/Writing/Poetry. I do plan on blogging more. I picked up the 52 Lists book that a lot of people are doing, a lot of my penpals in fact. I thought it would help get me focused. I used to write everyday and lately it has been a struggle to write once a week.

8. Alcohol. I need to cut back. Self-Explanatory.

9. Motivation. If anyone knows where to find it, could you please let me know? All suggestions welcome.

I don't know whether I should dive in, or just try one thing at a time. I fear that if I do one thing at a time that it will take forever to get anywhere. There is also a tendency to fail when one takes on too much. I just feel hopeless here. Hopeless and lost. I wish someone would just tell me what to do.


1 comment:

  1. *hugs and love*

    1. If you are sitting on the couch set an alarm for when you want to go to bed. Even if you fall asleep it gets you up and into your bed.Naps are also helpful when you don't get your allotted sleep amount at night. Hell even if you do naps are awesome.

    2. Night time rituals are awesome. So are daytime ones.

    3.Even just walking around the block is better then nothing. My counselor once recommended just standing outside for five minutes if you can't bring yourself to exercise. Just going outside is helpful.

    4.I'm horrid at remembering to take and refill my meds. I recently downloaded an app called Medisafe that reminds me to take meds and to refill. So far it works great.

    5.Maybe have a nice candlelight bath sometimes at home too. Could easily be worked into evening ritual.

    6.Maybe start a small art journal? Smaller space to fill up so it won't feel daunting?

    7. Bullet journaling so you don't have to write out big long things when you aren't feeling up to it?

    9. I'm shit at motivation too but I generally fall back on some bits I picked up from AA believe it or not. I take things one day at a time. Or one hour. One minute. Break down the time as small as you need to so it doesn't seem impossible.

    As for losing weight I stopped paying attention to the numbers on the scale and more attention to how I felt and looked. Muscle weighs more then fat so when building muscle your weight will actually will go up even when you are getting thinner.

    Try and choose lifestyle changes you enjoy so you feel less of a need for "cheating"

    Much love,