Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Where are we now? Almost a Month Later

Okay so here we are. Almost a month after I wrote my last post and made the list of things that I needed to do to get back on track. Here I am checking in against my list and let's see where we're at.

1. Sleep - I'm getting plenty of sleep during the night with occasional bouts of being awoken by the cat. She really likes to sleep by my side and sometimes I feel so crowded between Ben on my right and the cat on my left. I'm still falling asleep on the couch which still needs to stop but I'm not sure why I am. Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep? Between couch and bed I'm getting about 7 hours now. Not too far from my goal of 8 - 8 1/2 hours.

2. Night time ritual - Maybe if I didn't fall asleep on the couch every night I could make this happen. No progress on this front.

3. Daily Exercise - I've definitely improved in this area. While it took me a few weeks to get going, I'm now working out 5 to 6 days a week. I go with a co-worker at work and then with a friend on the weekend. I've been doing cardio, classes and weights. So far I've lost 8 pounds which isn't so bad for two weeks. Another 2 and I get my non-food reward! I've noticed that my waist is a little smaller. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time which makes me feel like my goal is attainable. I'm no longer obsessed with losing all this weight in a short period of time. You don't gain weight all at once, so there is no reason to think that it's all going to come off at once. Btw, you should google "What does 5 lbs of fat look like?" You'd be very surprised and it makes you feel pretty accomplished.

4. Meds - Yep, have been taking my meds on schedule. Haven't forgotten any since I put my pill container back to use. Taking AM and PM meds was never this easy!

5. Self-Care -- I've done one self-care thing since my last post and that was get a pedicure. I need to work on this a little more especially now that I'm working out. I need downtime to relax and make myself feel good.

6. Art Therapy - Sadly hasn't happened but that just gives me another goal for next month!

7. Journalling/Writing/Poetry - Again like the art therapy. Didn't quite make it in there, again, I mean if you don't count pen pal letters. I am writing on the regular to my pen pals and trying to keep up with that. I think what is stopping this is too much fucking TV. I used to never watch TV and now it feels like it's all I do.

8. Alcohol - CUT WAAAAAY BACK. I rarely drink during the week unless I'm attending a happy hour somewhere and on the weekends it's maybe two regular drinks if I go out. We don't keep alcohol in the house anymore and only drink when we go out. While there are still times that I really crave a beer after work, I don't give in to that urge. I may not be sober, but at least I've cut back.

9. Motivation - I've found a little bit. Working out makes me feel really good which makes me just want to do it more which is a fabulous cycle to get into...not to mention seeing the scale go down. I think I need to focus more on my creative motivation this next month and at least try to get something other than pen palling done. I'll let you know how that goes.

February goals:

1. Keep working towards Art Therapy.
2. Keep working towards Journalling, etc.
3. Find my night time ritual and stick to it.
4. Keep up with the diet and exercise. My goal for the next month is as follows.

SW: 220.7
CW: 212.1
Feb Goal weight: 208.0
Ultimate Goal weight: 145

Total weight loss: 8 lbs.

What are your goals for next month?

Friday, January 6, 2017

How I Need to Get My Life Back on Track

I feel like I'm too old to start doing anything new. That 35 is the new 65. That life just stops and nothing new can change if you're in your mid-thirties. I feel completely and utterly defeated and it's not even 10am yet.

3 years ago I was a size 10. Here I am 3 years later and I'm a size 16. I've gained a total of 65 pounds in those 3 years which is an average of just over 20 pounds a year. While I'd like to blame it all on medication, which part of it is, the truth of the matter is that I got lazy with a lot of things.

You know those Timehop and Facebook memories apps? Well I used to post a lot many years ago on FB so when these little things pop up I get a lot of things to look at. I used to post a lot of pictures of myself as well, you know, with a webcam and not a phone. *lol*  Seeing these pictures are kind of painful and you'd think they would be motivating but for some reason I just forget and fall back into old habits. It really is time for a change and I know that everyone makes new years resolutions to lose weight or eat healthy, or everything else involving physical appearance but I guess I'm just going to have to do it too. 

The thing I am most scared of is failure. I've written those words so many times. "I'm going to get healthy!" "No more excuses!" "This time I'm really going to do it!"  And how many times have I made it a couple of weeks just to fail and then stop trying altogether. How does one get motivated? How do you get motivated? I'm always saying to myself, "I wish that I had started doing this and that 6 months ago." A prime example of this was my wedding. I wanted to drop a few pounds by the time my wedding came around, and I just put it off again and again and again. Before I knew it, it was 2 months before the wedding and I had actually gained weight.

So there are a myriad of things that I need to actually do to get things done. These are things that I used to do, that I need to do. Not only do they make me feel better, but they help keep the Bipolar under control.

1. Sleep. I need at least 7 hours a night with ideally 8 and a half hours of sleep a night. I need to stop falling asleep on the couch like I've been doing for months now and actually go to bed when I'm starting to feel tired and maybe read a book until I fall asleep.

2. Night time ritual. I stopped doing this years ago. A strict night time ritual of meds, hygiene, and relaxation.

3. Daily exercise. Even if it's just getting out for a 15 minute brisk walk. Ideally I'd like to do 45 minutes a day for 6 days a week with a rest during the week. We have a gym in my work building and I can use it for free. I've made plans with my boss to go next week for three days a week. I'm going to have to go shopping though as none of my workout wear fits anymore. Great more money to go down the drain when I fucking fail.

4. Meds. I take my meds, sometimes I forget but I don't think that the meds are quite doing what they are supposed to be doing. I don't have the right cocktail again. I need to see my doctor and work out another game plan.

5. Self-Care. I do this pretty well because it's fun. I get regular mani-pedi's and even treat myself to a facial once in a while. This might be a little more difficult because we're trying to save a little money this year. So I'll schedule once every two months and try and do things at home to do a little self-care. Using facial masks, doing my own nails, dyeing my own hair. Save money and pamper, it will just take a little more work on my end.

6. Art therapy. I miss doing this and I don't know why I stopped. I did give away a lot of my art supplies though, but I do have some left and a HUGE canvas that I was trying to give away but she never picked it up. Maybe it was for a reason.

7. Journalling/Writing/Poetry. I do plan on blogging more. I picked up the 52 Lists book that a lot of people are doing, a lot of my penpals in fact. I thought it would help get me focused. I used to write everyday and lately it has been a struggle to write once a week.

8. Alcohol. I need to cut back. Self-Explanatory.

9. Motivation. If anyone knows where to find it, could you please let me know? All suggestions welcome.

I don't know whether I should dive in, or just try one thing at a time. I fear that if I do one thing at a time that it will take forever to get anywhere. There is also a tendency to fail when one takes on too much. I just feel hopeless here. Hopeless and lost. I wish someone would just tell me what to do.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

† Surface †

† Surface †

it's like walking under water
slow, cumbersome, deathly
my mind tells me that it's just another cycle
i feel like I'm losing my mind
these near constant emotions that flood the senses
bring me back to life
tell me that I am worth more than I feel
come and save me from this drowning
this sense of hopelessness
bring me back to the surface