Sunday, April 8, 2012
Onward, Forever Onward.
An open letter to all those that care,
I'm going to be okay. Sometimes the nights seem so long and so lonely but I always wake up the next morning. Sometimes I'm no worse for wear, and other times well its hard to get out of bed. The beacon of hope and light that comes through the darkness are all of you that are reading this right now. The ones that care enough to check in on me and to wonder if I'm okay.
You're the woman next door that keeps her phone by the bed in case I need to call. --JLL
You're the man that I barely see that takes the time to talk to me through all the birthday madness. --AM
You're the girl that pours out her love through her eyes and rubs my back ever so lightly because it hurts so much. --SR-M
You're the man that barely knows me that texts me and tells me that he cares. --JH
You're the woman that holds me up when all I can see are the tears in my eyes. --AJJ
You're the man that will do anything, just to get me back into the world. --MNF
I sit here and I think of all of you that care so much and I think of all the harm I can cause, have caused. The hurt and the pain, the emotional disparity. I can also think of the love, hope and kind words that I am capable of and the drive to keep going. I can be the suicide letter you find at the bottom of the drawer that I forgot I put there because all I am now is happy.
I am the bruises you notice. I am the red underneath my eyes. I'm the girl that will make it out alive, even though all she wants to do is lay down and die.
I'm the trust I put in you, and the brain that tries to defeat it.
I'm self-destruction and I am self-preservation. I am the liar and the truth. The piece of sanity in this madness.
I've been sober for a day or so. The sickness washes over me and I'm kneeling over the kitchen sink staring at the breakfast I just ate and thinking about how much of a waste of money that was. :P My body tries desperately to purge the sickness out of me; foreign chemicals and resistance. I am a huge decision in the making and a huge failure just waiting to happen. There are things that I do not wish to think about and I am the things that I am forcing myself to think about.
Norwescon was a bust. I failed miserably at something I was looking forward to, and I did some damage that I'm not sure I can repair. Even if it is fixable, I'm not sure that my willingness will be expected or trusted. I know what was said and all I can do is keep moving and to concentrate on me. Loving me, faults and all. Bipolar or not, this is me.
An overused quote: “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ---Marilyn Monroe.
I'm sticking to that. When I'm on, I'm ON and when I'm off I'm OFF the FUCKING charts. You think its bad to deal with, try living it.
To all those that have offered their love and support without conditions or judgment...you are why I am still alive. You are the numbered reasons why I am sitting here listening to birds and I can feeling the spring sunshine on my scars. Healing may not be swift, but onward...forever onward.