Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

When its Darker than Death out There

Make it go away or make it better
Isn't that what love's supposed to do
Make it go away or make it better
Cause I would do either one for you

This is not the way you should see me
This is not the face I recognize
Could I lay my head down here for a moment
Would you sing to me like I'm your child
Cause I'm not angry I'm not crying
I'm just in over my head
You could be the angel that stayed on my shoulder
When all of the other angels left

Make it go away or make it better
Cause I am waking
This more then one should have to take
If you do this for me then I will promise
I'll make it go away for you someday

There are reasons silver linings
There are lessons but I don't care
Cause I just need a hand that I can hold onto
When it's darker then death out there

I'm so cold
And so far away from my home
But tonight you're
You're where I belong
You're everything right
When I'm everything wrong

Make it go away or make it better
Isn't that what love's supposed to do
Make it go away or make it better
Cause I would do either one for you

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

In Dreams, Responsibilities

In Dreams, Responsibilities

In searching
I walk through dreams,
scouting locations 
and wander past delicate nightmares
within your foolish occupations.
Broken hearts meet in the middle
and die stuck in the first
morning light.
Whatever is left, when touched, 
surely will turn to dust. 
In death this dream is real
and in dream this death is imaginary when
Broken hearts are trampled
and spoken words grow hard. 
There is nothing to this daydream
as eyes open do not reflect the dawn;
just black pools of emptiness and 
nothing else worth living. 
She moves and whimpers, 
whines for someone to take it away. 
She is being trampled and someone
threw her love away.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Of Things to Come and Things that Were

Well this Darling has had a rough couple of weeks. It seems that my brain has decided that its easier to work against me than for me. I have six more weeks to wait until I go in to see the new psych and hopefully we can get these mood swings under control.
It's really hard to want to be happy and know that if you weren't dealing with the bullshit with your imbalanced brain you could be happy all the time. It's hard to have to fight against your own body for control. Moods are fickle at the best of times and when you feel like you're constantly on a yo-yo as it is, damn it gets fucking tiring. Not to mention I know that I'm irritating at least one person and I really don't want to be responsible for poking the beast so to speak.

Sooo…in prep for my appointment I did an online search for mood stabilizers to get familiar with what was out there other than the zombie sickness called Lithium. It appears that all of them cause weight gain which is not really what I wanted to hear but the alternative isn't that thrilling either. Well in doing some research I found out that Omega 3 fatty acids purportedly are good for stabilizing moods. I have honestly never heard of that before and I will need to do a little more reasearch on this one, but just the thought that there could be a drug free way to deal with my moods is enough for me to sit down and really take a look at the facts and studies regarding Omega-3's.

This little piece of information has also pushed me to start researching other natural products that could be beneficial to my mental health. I'm really excited about this research and I hope that I can come up with something that could possibly work for me. :)

Other than that, not much else going on. Norwescon is approaching quickly and I'm definitely excited about that. Volunteering with Dethcon which I am looking forward to. Also will be on a special assignment for that Saturday night and I'm curious as to what that will bring. Details are to be discussed on Monday and I’m pretty sure I wont update you all. ;)
Right now my goals are to get back on track on more than a couple of things that I have been slacking on and to try and just hang in there for the moment. There is so much to be done in the upcoming weeks that I am glad to be busy and to keep focused but part of me just wants a vacation and to lay in bed all day eating bon-bons and watching crappy reality tv. :P

Until next time.

- D.

Monday, March 12, 2012

someone please save me from myself...

Sunday, March 11, 2012


I wonder why I even tell the truth, when telling truth gets me nothing and no where.

Why bother to do anything, if everything is for naught.

So, goodnight. With deep regret I shall do this thing and then close my eyes.

I will sleep and then awake to feel more regret than I did the night before.

But I must feel something besides this part of me that is torn apart.

Dark thoughts are better than none at all.

These dark thoughts do not come often. They do not follow nights of drinking or lack of human contact. But

a shift in some sort of unearthly paradigm. Where one speaks for re-assurance and gets nothing in return.

My thoughts have returned time and time again. Thoughts of the past and words that did not make sense at the

time, but now ring true.

True love, real love is naught to conquer anything at all as long as self-preservation prevails. So in

my wisdom, my fate does rest and my fortunes told by myself in my favour are false, and in this

falsity all but me shall prevail.  And in riddles do I speak to hide this truth within me. My pride

is not enough to keep me from self-preservation.

There is nothing in me that shall keep from realization but unfortunate is the soul that is lacking in

motivation. This pain and emotion within me makes me so weary. That I wish to sleep a thousand

sleeps before I wake up again. To come forth a perfect individual that naught has use for imbalanced

and misplaced chemistry. Where dreams are things that cause such pleasure and not these feelings

of pain and despair. Where tears are shed at the birth of beauty and death is just an illusion. Where my soul

takes flight from my own doing, and not dependent on someone else.

Tears fall across crystalline like waterfalls.
My words fall on deaf ears.
To fall from these insidious heights would be a dream,
the stop at the end? Heaven.

Thursday, March 8, 2012



Goodbye to you and goodnight to you.

I will wave from across moon river

as your paper boat sails away.

The wind of change has been

caught in my nets of spun silver,

yet still I see you both struggle to move on.

Let go defiant one and you too selfish one.

Clasp your hands together in the water,

baptize your memory and

mourn not the loss of eachother.

Feel the clear and cold close around the

brightness in your eyes.

Goodnight to both of you.

Time to say goodbye.

Hold tight my favored one.

Cling to me and don't let go.

This wind of change is all consuming

and if you turn your back it can drag you away.

Do not fear, but do not think for once

that your complacency is enough to save you.

There is no room here for both your

satisfaction and your saviour.

Something has to go, and although

I helped you with the worst,

you are the only one that can do the rest.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


There is no time like the present to move forward and to make good on promises and well make good on being good to myself. I walk a precarious line sometimes in regard to the state of my mental well being. I also realized that I was being terribly hypocritical.

So I move forward from today and strive to make each day a little better than the last. "Baby steps", he said to me. I'm not so great with doing small steps, but I'm sure going to try.