Thursday, February 16, 2012
Poly, Jealousy, Being True to Yourself and Just Going with it. -- reflections on this life so far.
This is an interesting topic for me because I find myself in a situation that I haven't ever been in before. I've never been with someone, that is with me, and also with someone else. It's not some "bizarre love triangle" or triad its that I'm not my boyfriends only girlfriend. I'm sure that sounds weird to some people and I'm sure that there will be others that may look down on me for my choice to be in this style of relationship but I really don't care because it works for me.
I don't think that anyone ever chooses to take the more difficult path than the one that is easy and straight forward. We don't go out of our way to make things more difficult then they have to be, it just wouldn't make any sense. It is with this logic that I go forward into my "relationship" with M. and such as it is, with A. For lack of a better term, I have a working relationship with A. We are friends and we enjoy each others company. Believe it or not, we get along and hang out on a semi-regular basis.
The first time I met up with A. it was just the two of us. I wanted it this because I didn't want the focus of our meeting to be anything but getting to know each other and finding out how we feel on the situation we found ourselves in. Being the type of person that I am, I totally freaked out. I mean, I'm going to go have dinner with my boyfriend's girlfriend?!
I don't think that any life experience can prepare you for that moment when you open the door to the restaurant and see this beautiful girl sitting down waiting for you and that’s her and you don't want it to be her. I mean you're intimidated and you have feelings of jealousy -- well I did at least, I can't speak for her -- and for one fleeting moment you wonder why the hell you are doing this to yourself. Then you remember it. You're doing this because you think he's special and you know what else? She must be pretty fucking special too if he's with her. Then you waver back for a little bit and bump into that confidence issue and it taps you on the shoulder and tries to make you think that no matter what, you're the one person in this situation that isn't special.
I'm a little surprised at how well we get along and how different we are on the outside as well as in. A. is this tall geeky girl with blonde hair streaked with turquoise. She has a presence I don’t think that she is at all aware of and has a very pretty smile that lights up her whole face, especially when she laughs. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm short, slightly chubby with a penchant for 10lbs of make-up and the colour black.
Our meeting was perhaps a little awkward at first but it quickly faded and I felt like I was sitting across the table with someone I had known forever. The conversation flowed at such a delightful pace and it was like I was immediately put at ease. To make a long story short, she left a wonderful impression on me and now I no longer had to wonder about the "other woman" so to speak. She is strong in attributes that I am weak in and I know that there are some things that come easier to me. We are both beautiful in different ways and as cliché as this sounds we are both special.
Sometimes we find something in people that is so rare, that we have no other choice then to go with it and hold on. I found something in M. that I had been searching for. Something that perhaps on the surface isn't so rare, but when you get right down to specifics, it may be damn near impossible to find or comprehend for that matter. My relationship with M. is a unique one and the lifestyle that we lead may be foreign and perhaps bizarre for some, but it works for us. It is vastly different from anything else I have ever engaged in and very different than the relationship he has with A.
It is the differences that make me feel safe, that make me feel secure in what I am doing. I cannot pretend that there aren't times where I'm angry or feel that twinge of jealousy, I'm human and I'm dealing with my emotions as they come and sometimes I do a great job of it, and other times, not so much. I'm trying though and I'm actively participating in my own evolution so to speak. I'm not just sitting back and expecting what I'm feeling to go away just because I want it to. I'm dealing with it and the issues that surround it and to be completely honest, its not exactly something I was known to do before.
"Just go with it." was what I told myself. I told myself that I would keep going along until I didn't feel like it was something I could do anymore. Until I felt like I had given it my all. I'd like to think that my very active dating life within the past couple of years has taught me a thing or two about a thing or two. Hopefully my trips around the block have not been in vain and that I have emerged from my twenties into a wiser human being and someone that refuses to hide when things get rough.
I'm not pro-polyamoury nor am I pro-monogamy. I'm pro-relationship and pro-love. I believe that you have every right to love as many people as you want, be it two, twenty or just one. I believe that the feeling of love is the single most important feeling in our lives. It gives us comfort and hope. Acceptance and reconciliation. It can change the way we feel about ourselves and it can make us question our own perspectives and perhaps add additional insight. I believe that there are so many incarnations of this emotion for a reason. It's simple in its complexity really and it is that which makes it special. We should be free to do what we want to do when it involves the heart and loving people.
I'm currently in a 24/7 M/s relationship with M. This relationship works for us, it bonds us together in ways that I didn't think possible and it is through this relationship that I have learned so many wonderful, beautiful and just downright amazing things about myself and my abilities. I have goals that are now clear and I have this drive for perfection that I have never felt before. My M/s relationship fills me with a sense of purpose, pride and love and provides me with outlets for what I once perceived as "sins" so to speak. It is in this relationship that I feel oddly comfortable for something I have never done before. Be it my open mind or my open relationship, whatever it is, I'm just going with it.
Be bold. Be true and "Love as Thou Wilt."