Memento Mori

My photo
Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Lost Love

Lost Love

I looked at your picture today.
The one I keep deep down and locked away.
We haven't spoken in two years, lost love.
But still every now and again my heart
will find your smile or the way you used to brush
my cheek with your fingertips. 
There is no longer longing, 
at least for longing's sake. 
No deep regrets or innocent mistakes.
Tell me lost love, are you happy?
Tell me lost love, do you smile?
Tell me the story of you and me, 
and the love we had, that wasn't meant to be.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

All the Beautiful Colours

All the Beautiful Colours

Pretty pink doilies stained with black toxic filth.
I have left my bloodstains on your 
light creme carpet and across your beige loveseat.
Wiping my wrists and watching the crimson bloom. 

I lay here, helpless and hypnotized by the flow
of the river from my arms and 
out and over into the valley of death. 
Black balloons and party favors to 
mark the day. 
Happy demise with a joy filled heart.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Diva Destruction

Diva Destruction

My heart breaks.
Scars turn red to pink and back again.
Sadness fills empty places.
Places best filled with 
love and kindness.
A sweet touch, 
a warm embrace.
The shadow's kiss is
the devil's face. 
My screams ring out
in the cold of this night and
these nightmare's rarely
fade with the dawning of the light.

I close my eyes and all
I can see is the tourniquet
and the blood drawing
quick into cold glass vials.
Vacant eyes turned
numb with lithium.
Vacant windows stung harshly with
your 6am incandescent light
and your incessant need to 
play vampire and take my life.
Your camera monitors my 
sweet slow suicide as you push 
pills into my hand like candy.
A stranger's wet dream.

The memory will never fade.
This memory of mania
and debilitating depression.
My deja-vu of destruction
and the dream of a glamorous demise. 

The State of Darling

You know what? Life is good. Okay life is better than good, its fan-fucking-tastic. You want to know why? Because I've been working my ass off to get here, that's why.

I was always envious of those that seemed to have everything together 100% of the time and didn't really seem to have to work for anything, it just sort of manifested itself at their whim. Well upon further thinking of that thought I came to the conclusion that although people like that may seem to have it all together, they really don't. Further to say that those types of people that just have everything handed to them, well they don't fucking appreciate it one bit and become self-entitled morons that no one really likes.

Why is my life good?

Well first of all, despite missing a couple doses of my anti-depressants, I feel rather well. That's not to say that I'm immediately going to throw them away and start this life off of the very things that keep me somewhat sane BUT it is to say that perhaps the state of my life plays a bigger part on my bipolar than I originally thought.

Secondly, I'm all registered for Norwescon which means that I'm taking a 5 blissful day vacation from work to attend the festivities. I'm excited to attend this year because as lame as it sounds, this will be my first year attending. I figured by taking the time off of work I can do this shit in style and to make the most out of my experiences. I'm going to be loaned out by V. to serve a very fabulous couple for an evening, which I have to say that I am very much looking forward to. It will give me an opportunity to perfect some more of my skills and hopefully I can leave a good impression on my "Masters" for the evening. I will also be volunteering for Dethcon it looks like and I'm looking forward to that opportunity as well. I'm excited all around to be participating in everything that Norwescon has to offer  -- with permission of course!

Third. I feel content and secure in my current arrangement with V. As funny as it sounds, I have grown a lot in the past week and a half and it feels like i have my priorities more in order. My ducks are mostly in a row at this point which is a huge relief. :)  Aside from a few remote twinges that come infrequently, it appears that I have fought and won my battle with jealousy as it pertains to A. There are still things that come up that are totally different that hit me in the chest sometimes, but I find it easier to deal with everyday. I truly am a lucky girl.

Work is stupid busy, which usually be a shitty thing, but I'm feeling good about it. I'm staying busy and constantly taking on more work as well as more challenging work, I could really use a raise though. [who counldn't?] I'll keep plugging along though in hopes that they will finally take away that dreadful "department assistant" title and I will be left to love on my more popular, "legal secretary" title. Stay tuned.

My life is also good because of the amazing people I have in it. I wouldn't be around if it wasn't for them and I sure as hell wouldn't be as SANE!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. I'm off to get my hair done and to run around in the rain and be merry. *muah*

- G.

† Werk Darling †

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Poly, Jealousy, Being True to Yourself and Just Going with it. -- reflections on this life so far.

This is an interesting topic for me because I find myself in a situation that I haven't ever been in before. I've never been with someone, that is with me, and also with someone else. It's not some "bizarre love triangle" or triad its that I'm not my boyfriends only girlfriend. I'm sure that sounds weird to some people and I'm sure that there will be others that may look down on me for my choice to be in this style of relationship but I really don't care because it works for me.
I don't think that anyone ever chooses to take the more difficult path than the one that is easy and straight forward. We don't go out of our way to make things more difficult then they have to be, it just wouldn't make any sense. It is with this logic that I go forward into my "relationship" with M. and such as it is, with A. For lack of a better term, I have a working relationship with A. We are friends and we enjoy each others company. Believe it or not, we get along and hang out on a semi-regular basis.

The first time I met up with A. it was just the two of us. I wanted it this because I didn't want the focus of our meeting to be anything but getting to know each other and finding out how we feel on the situation we found ourselves in. Being the type of person that I am, I totally freaked out. I mean, I'm going to go have dinner with my boyfriend's girlfriend?!

I don't think that any life experience can prepare you for that moment when you open the door to the restaurant and see this beautiful girl sitting down waiting for you and that’s her and you don't want it to be her. I mean you're intimidated and you have feelings of jealousy -- well I did at least, I can't speak for her -- and for one fleeting moment you wonder why the hell you are doing this to yourself. Then you remember it. You're doing this because you think he's special and you know what else? She must be pretty fucking special too if he's with her. Then you waver back for a little bit and bump into that confidence issue and it taps you on the shoulder and tries to make you think that no matter what, you're the one person in this situation that isn't special.

I'm a little surprised at how well we get along and how different we are on the outside as well as in. A. is this tall geeky girl with blonde hair streaked with turquoise. She has a presence I don’t think that she is at all aware of and has a very pretty smile that lights up her whole face, especially when she laughs. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm short, slightly chubby with a penchant for 10lbs of make-up and the colour black.

Our meeting was perhaps a little awkward at first but it quickly faded and I felt like I was sitting across the table with someone I had known forever. The conversation flowed at such a delightful pace and it was like I was immediately put at ease. To make a long story short, she left a wonderful impression on me and now I no longer had to wonder about the "other woman" so to speak. She is strong in attributes that I am weak in and I know that there are some things that come easier to me. We are both beautiful in different ways and as cliché as this sounds we are both special.

Sometimes we find something in people that is so rare, that we have no other choice then to go with it and hold on. I found something in M. that I had been searching for. Something that perhaps on the surface isn't so rare, but when you get right down to specifics, it may be damn near impossible to find or comprehend for that matter. My relationship with M. is a unique one and the lifestyle that we lead may be foreign and perhaps bizarre for some, but it works for us. It is vastly different from anything else I have ever engaged in and very different than the relationship he has with A.

It is the differences that make me feel safe, that make me feel secure in what I am doing. I cannot pretend that there aren't times where I'm angry or feel that twinge of jealousy, I'm human and I'm dealing with my emotions as they come and sometimes I do a great job of it, and other times, not so much. I'm trying though and I'm actively participating in my own evolution so to speak. I'm not just sitting back and expecting what I'm feeling to go away just because I want it to. I'm dealing with it and the issues that surround it and to be completely honest, its not exactly something I was known to do before.

"Just go with it." was what I told myself. I told myself that I would keep going along until I didn't feel like it was something I could do anymore. Until I felt like I had given it my all. I'd like to think that my very active dating life within the past couple of years has taught me a thing or two about a thing or two. Hopefully my trips around the block have not been in vain and that I have emerged from my twenties into a wiser human being and someone that refuses to hide when things get rough.

I'm not pro-polyamoury nor am I pro-monogamy. I'm pro-relationship and pro-love. I believe that you have every right to love as many people as you want, be it two, twenty or just one. I believe that the feeling of love is the single most important feeling in our lives. It gives us comfort and hope. Acceptance and reconciliation. It can change the way we feel about ourselves and it can make us question our own perspectives and perhaps add additional insight. I believe that there are so many incarnations of this emotion for a reason. It's simple in its complexity really and it is that which makes it special. We should be free to do what we want to do when it involves the heart and loving people. 

I'm currently in a 24/7 M/s relationship with M. This relationship works for us, it bonds us together in ways that I didn't think possible and it is through this relationship that I have learned so many wonderful, beautiful and just downright amazing things about myself and my abilities. I have goals that are now clear and I have this drive for perfection that I have never felt before. My M/s relationship fills me with a sense of purpose, pride and love and provides me with outlets for what I once perceived as "sins" so to speak. It is in this relationship that I feel oddly comfortable for something I have never done before. Be it my open mind or my open relationship, whatever it is, I'm just going with it.

Be bold. Be true and "Love as Thou Wilt."


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Key

The Key

You may have something on me,
but that something is not anything I wish to give away.
Keeping a tiny piece for me,
at least for one more day.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

DJ D1v1ne syn @ Noc Noc for Factory

Set 1 915 - 10:00pm

Razorfade - Chemical Distraction
Grendel - Crucify
Aesthetic Perfection - I Belong to You
Panzer AG - Behind a Gasmask
Wumpscut - Corroded Breed
Skinny Puppy - WorlockED [can't remember who did this mix]
Skinny Puppy - Assimilate [unintentional back to back fuck up]
Unterart - Exit
Combichrist - Kickstart the Fight
Leatherstrip - Fit for Flogging
Suicide Commando - Conspiracy with the Devil
Hocico - Wounds

Set 2 - 12:15 - 12:45am

Ayria - Winter Love Song
Nine Inch Nails - Happiness in Slavery
Mechanical Cabaret - Nothing Special
Hocico - Escape the Spell
Velvet Acid Christ - Fuck You Bitch (Goth Queen)
God Module - Orange and Black
XP8 - Dreamt of Blue
Frontline Assembly - Mindphaser
Oghr - Minus

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

~ submersam ~


we walk through bonds of water
free flowing, connected.
fluidly falling gracefully to our knees
and embracing under thick swells of emotion.
we surface together
hands locked
lips clasped tight.
fighting against the current of the tide.
the undertow pulls us down
and we embrace this aqualine dream.
i'll be Loreley and You, Leviathan.