Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Friday, January 6, 2012

Tearing it Apart - A Pain That I'm Used To by Depeche Mode

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
[The feeling of despair when you've tried everything.
when you don't know which side is up and you're almost
ready to give up. Not knowing what you wanted until you
found it.]
I just know that I'm harder to console
[Again, despair. Difficulty in finding reasons to carry
on that don't sound like a cop out. It's difficult to be
comforted from your torment, when you are the one doing
it yourself and the one you're counting on to help.]
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
[Eventually you are blind to everything. You can't tell the difference
between how you are perceived and the way you actually are.
It's your emptiness and vacancy.]
But the key is a question of control
[I'm taking this one literally. The answer to all of this
is control. In this case giving it all up. No longer wishing
or needing to control my own life.]

Can you say what you're trying to play anyway
[All of the false ones that you find. The ones that think they
know you and know exactly what you want. Charlatans, counterfeit.]
I just pay while you're breaking all the rules
[Literal - I'll take all the suffering and punishment so that you can
do what you want. You can break the rules, but I am forbidden to.]
All the signs that I find have been underlined
[Eventually you can put everything together to find your way.
You know which side is up now and you know what direction
you are going.]
Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled
[What you once thought was a sin is now divine. Desire
fueled by what others may feel is blasphemous.]

All this running around, well it's getting me down
[The journey. The long road. Like running in circles and tiring you out.
You keep going but you never get anywhere. It's the depression that
comes from staying in one place for too long.]
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
[Disappointment, but also the obvious. It is familiar but
so new at the same time. It's comfort and compassion
love, lust and hate all rolled into one.]
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
[I'm not buying in, nor do I have to adhere to your rules. I will do what
I want and act the way I want. Your dreams, are my hell.]
You just need to achieve something that rings true
[Something that hits every button, nerve, fragment and perimetre and
parametre of your existence. Something that fills that hole and makes
you whole.]

There's a hole in your soul like an animal
[This is the ravenous beast that for a very long time just could
not be sated. The empty hunger of needing/wanting something
and not knowing what it is.]
With no conscience, repentance unknown
[No longer feel the guilt because you know what you want
and what you have are right for you. You cannot repent of
something you feel no remorse for.]
Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise
[Again, literal. Keep your eyes shut and endure what you asked for.]
Devils feed on the seeds that are sown
[See, "Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled."]

I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
[Can no longer hide from what I know to be the truth and to be
completely real. This isn't a phase.]

No mistaking the faking, I care
[The key is in the last two words. I care, finally care
and finally have reason to care. It's AFTER "No mistaking
the faking." After you've faked it, you've made it.]
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
[Something I once believed but is now suspended, it
will never touch the ground again - aka: come back to
reality. For this I am grateful beyond belief.]]

On a note full of hope not despair
[It isn't disgraceful nor bitter. Instead there is a peace
and an obvious hope that finally certain feelings can
be put to rest]

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