Memento Mori

My photo
Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Sunday, January 29, 2012

No Words, Just Video



I'm calling your bluff in 20 minutes.





and such my lips shall never speak again. Sadness brought to my heart, perhaps by my own doing to witness my own undoing. 


Pieces of Blue


† Pieces of Blue - In the Shadows - A self-Portrait †

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Kept


† Kept †

Under your bed.
in a cage hanging from your ceiling.
tied to a chair
grabbed by the hair.

It doesn't really matter.
I just want to be kept.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Sometimes its just easier to paint on a happy face and keep walking.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

And in Danced Fate



 And in Danced Fate


The wind blew in something I never noticed I lost.
Crossing paths we merge and twist until all is one.
The moon's violet rays run pale across my cheek
and I can feel that little piece of me coming home. 






Monday, January 16, 2012

Love as Thou Wilt

Things happen when they are supposed to. When you are ready to take them on. When you are ready to conquer. Search and destroy. Rip down the walls you were taught and if you're me, "Just go with it."

Earlier tonight on the wall of the stall of the women's bathroom at AFK.

"Love as Thou Wilt"

Infamous words of Jacqueline Carey's Diety "Elua" in the Kushiel Legacy novels. And in that moment, a clarity breaking forth from the clouds and a ray of the most despised sun in my world. Despised for what it initially is and then loved for the warmth it brings and contains.

Love as thou wilt.

Enough to bring tears to my eyes many hours later. And enough insight, foresight and guidance that I need to get me through these next days. Emotions to fill the breadth and width of all heights that are contained within me. Fictional words, from a fictional being from this fictional book that I just happen to be reading right now? That pairs with "In the House of Slaves" by Evelyn Lau, poetry I have been going to bed with?

Things happen when they are supposed to.

Just go with it.

And in these lessons and the twist on my morality, light breaks forth like clarity through the eyes of the blind. When perhaps to question is to err and to accept as is, well is to love. It is to Love as Thou Wilt and love those that are tied so closely with ones that you love. That breaking down the doors and walls and ceilings of our own imaginings to embrace something that may be completely foreign but is completely right. How can it be that something that is unknown can breed such familiarity and hope? I feel like I have unconditional love for it all, for everyone, for myself.

Progress breeds leniency and obedience gains love and this acceptance makes my heart soar.

The most important lesson that I can think of tonight? Love as Thou Wilt and don't look back, not even for a moment.

- G.






Sunday, January 8, 2012

2012

I've been throwing around the idea of doing a wrap up of last year for the past couple of weeks now and I've decided against it. 2011 appears to have been a shitty year all around and the last thing I really want to do is relive it. I will say that the last half of the year was the set up for 2012 and if the trend continues this next year is going to be completely amazing.

Okay so this is actually turning into a retrospective.*le sigh* Perhaps I'll just focus on some of the good things that happened. This past year was interesting in terms of music. I started to branch out from my comfort/stereotype zone and started listening to something that wasn't goth/industrial/synthpop etc etc. This past year I made a very strange foray into the world of Pop/Top 40 by cultivating quite the interest in Christina Perri. It's been a while since I found a connection with a pop singer, but when I downloaded her album, Lovestrong after hearing the single, Jar of Hearts. Aside from a couple of songs, I really enjoyed the entire album and I felt like I could relate to the music and especially the lyrics. For anyone that hasn't checked her out, I highly recommend that you do.

I also took up quite the interest in Dubstep and other forms of electronic music. I'm still in my infancy stages of discovering different artists and genres but I'm really enjoying listening to the different forms and learning about the origins. I've taken some shit for "jumping on the bandwagon" so to speak, but oh well.

Another surprising discovery was T-Pain. I'm a self-professed hater of Rap, R&B and other genres like that so when I started listening to T-Pain's newest album I was kinda embarrassed but as continued I figured I had nothing to lose, after all, my crazy YouTube videos with the T-Pain microphone are floating around the Internet. I find some of the lyrics in this genre a little amusing to say the very least and think that a little more attention could be paid, but oh well. I honestly can't relate to the music on any sort of level, but I like the beats and makes me feel a little tougher. :P

I flirted with the idea of moving back to Vancouver this past year and even went so far as to get a second job to help save money faster for the move. It wasn't until I dissected my reasons for moving back and my motivation that I decided against it. I was sad to leave my second job because I really enjoyed it, but I couldn't keep working two jobs forever. Since I'm staying in Seattle for the foreseeable future I've decided to concentrate on my career more.

Work has been good to me, and last year was no exception. I received two promotions, two raises and just in these past couple of weeks found out that they are giving me even more responsibility. It's nice to feel valued and its nice to feel like your work is appreciated. I'm going to continue to work hard and to expand my skill set and experience to work my way even further up the ladder.

I was crowned Ms Gothic Seattle this past year and even though I think the title is a little cheesy, it has really helped me get back into the Goth scene and to get involved even more. My reign is up in April and I honestly will be a little sad to see it go but I know that if I continue to stay involved in Gothic Pride Seattle that it will almost be the same thing.

Without going into too many details, I will say that I broke down a lot of doors, barriers and inhibitions this past year. I threw the guilt of my lifestyle away and vowed never to let anyone tell me what I enjoy is wrong. This honestly strengthened my "faith" as an atheist and made me realize the implications and harm that social brainwashing can cause. I'm not completely to where I want to be as I continue to struggle with some things but I know that I will get there eventually.

Towards the end of last year was when the inertia of my life totally changed and someone incredible walked into my life. Very soon I'll be embarking on a very difficult but fulfilling journey and one that I have been waiting for what seems like forever for. A journey that I feel touches me deeper than the commitment of marriage and more beautiful than anything I've ever seen. Together, Him and me, we will destroy the world.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Tearing it Apart - A Pain That I'm Used To by Depeche Mode

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
[The feeling of despair when you've tried everything.
when you don't know which side is up and you're almost
ready to give up. Not knowing what you wanted until you
found it.]
I just know that I'm harder to console
[Again, despair. Difficulty in finding reasons to carry
on that don't sound like a cop out. It's difficult to be
comforted from your torment, when you are the one doing
it yourself and the one you're counting on to help.]
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
[Eventually you are blind to everything. You can't tell the difference
between how you are perceived and the way you actually are.
It's your emptiness and vacancy.]
But the key is a question of control
[I'm taking this one literally. The answer to all of this
is control. In this case giving it all up. No longer wishing
or needing to control my own life.]



Can you say what you're trying to play anyway
[All of the false ones that you find. The ones that think they
know you and know exactly what you want. Charlatans, counterfeit.]
I just pay while you're breaking all the rules
[Literal - I'll take all the suffering and punishment so that you can
do what you want. You can break the rules, but I am forbidden to.]
All the signs that I find have been underlined
[Eventually you can put everything together to find your way.
You know which side is up now and you know what direction
you are going.]
Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled
[What you once thought was a sin is now divine. Desire
fueled by what others may feel is blasphemous.]




All this running around, well it's getting me down
[The journey. The long road. Like running in circles and tiring you out.
You keep going but you never get anywhere. It's the depression that
comes from staying in one place for too long.]
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
[Disappointment, but also the obvious. It is familiar but
so new at the same time. It's comfort and compassion
love, lust and hate all rolled into one.]
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
[I'm not buying in, nor do I have to adhere to your rules. I will do what
I want and act the way I want. Your dreams, are my hell.]
You just need to achieve something that rings true
[Something that hits every button, nerve, fragment and perimetre and
parametre of your existence. Something that fills that hole and makes
you whole.]




There's a hole in your soul like an animal
[This is the ravenous beast that for a very long time just could
not be sated. The empty hunger of needing/wanting something
and not knowing what it is.]
With no conscience, repentance unknown
[No longer feel the guilt because you know what you want
and what you have are right for you. You cannot repent of
something you feel no remorse for.]
Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise
[Again, literal. Keep your eyes shut and endure what you asked for.]
Devils feed on the seeds that are sown
[See, "Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled."]



I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
[Can no longer hide from what I know to be the truth and to be
completely real. This isn't a phase.]

No mistaking the faking, I care
[The key is in the last two words. I care, finally care
and finally have reason to care. It's AFTER "No mistaking
the faking." After you've faked it, you've made it.]
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
[Something I once believed but is now suspended, it
will never touch the ground again - aka: come back to
reality. For this I am grateful beyond belief.]]

On a note full of hope not despair
[It isn't disgraceful nor bitter. Instead there is a peace
and an obvious hope that finally certain feelings can
be put to rest]





Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Untitled - Again

It comes and goes
ebbs and flows
the inherent need
no, desire to destroy myself
in ways that you cannot imagine
chemical addled brain
deplores me to step off the
edge and just fly away
an attempt to fly
becomes an attempt
no, success in self-destruction
why can't it just run its course
in a moment or two
and spare me the thoughts
the misery of anxiety
and apprehension
of degradation and acclimation
when you can't help but
beg to be released from
the hold that it claims it
doesn't have on you
but is connected
by invisible threads
and hands twisting violently
through me

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Untitled.

In shades of slumber
I inhale sharply
and my heart flutters
for what feels like days
I lay down
comforted
and close my eyes
safe in knowing
that nothing will cause me harm