I'm not quite sure what governs my power to write. Is it the weather? My stress level? I'd really like to know so I could address this stupid situation and be done with it. Instead I struggle day in and day out to get some sort of cohearent sentance or structure down on paper or the computer. I try and write on my lunch hours at work to pass the time and to try and get a head start for the evening because I know I will face my brick wall again and again and again. At first I thought it was the medium, maybe I needed to get off of the computer and start to write on paper again. That idea failed as I ended up staring at paper. I've tried what feels like to be everything in my power to get away from the wall and get into that zone where I can type for hours but to no motherfucking avail. I feel like I'm torturing myself by continuing to try and write but if I am just content with not doing anything...what does that say about my preserverence?
So tonight I'm going to try something different. I'm going to pull myself out of my usual atmosphere and throw myself into a totally different situation and different surroundings. I'm going to place myself into a coffeeshop and try and be a cliche. Perhaps it is just a change of scenery that I need?
What I don't understand is here I am, writing this at work and quite frankly not having a problem at all. The words are flowing nicely even though my stream of consciousness could probably use a little more structure. But its working, that's my point. What is it about what I want to write about that makes the brick wall come up in full force? Am I confused about something? Am I avoiding something? What brain?? What the fuck is your problem? I'm pretty sure that yelling at myself is counter-productive, but at least it feels good.
You know what else would feel good? To write.