Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Monday, August 22, 2011

14 Minutes

I have fourteen minutes to dump everything that is in my head. I want to start my afternoon feeling fresh and not like I have a billion things crammed into my head. You don't have to read this, just so you know. I mean I don't think that there will be anything here that will pertain to you. I wish I wasn't at work and I wish I wasn't in Seattle. Coming back to my tiny studio apartment last night was really the last thing that I needed or wanted for that matter. Why can't I stay in Vancouver, why can't I stay where I feel I belong? There really isn't an answer to that question. I could move back tomorrow if I really wanted to, but I wouldn't be doing it in a way that would be beneficial to me. I would be jobless and homeless and it isn't exactly the way I want to start out my so-called new life back home.
I get so lonely sometimes that I think I could die from it. I don't mind spending time by myself because I can certainly get along being alone, but sometimes it would be nice to come home to someone or have someone come home to me. To cook meals for more than just one person. To be held as I fall asleep to wake up to a kiss on my forehead. Instead I shuffle around to and from work, to social engagements. I do chores and I watch movies, by myself. Even when I am out and about and with others I still feel an empty feeling. This feeling really needs to go away. So here I am , looking at the factors that contribute to this, and to fix them. To be happy being me, by myself and to be thankful for the life that I do have. I want to have some sort of contentment with solitude.
I'm going to start running today. I'm going to put on my sneakers and my yoga pants and I'm going to run this evening. Run along Elliot and then run along 15th. Run until I can't run anymore and then, when I'm out of breath, push myself just a little bit extra. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time an I feel so amazing after I exercise so it is time to start doing it on a regular basis. How does one do that? Really? I'm not sure, but I bet I can figure it out along the way and I'm sure I can find someone that can help me out.

Okay, I have 5 minutes and I'm going to use that 5 minutes left of my lunch hour to get some water and close my eyes for a few. If you made it this far, I applaud you.

- G.

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