Memento Mori

My photo
Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Monday, August 29, 2011

"Could I kiss those scarlet lips of yours
and taste the winter
When I shed my December skin"

--Lightbringer, Covenant.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This is for me more than you.

Monday Aug. 23
Breakfast - Americano
Lunch - Kashi Pumpkin Spice Granola bar, 1 cup Chobani Greek yogurt [0fat, high protein], 1 cheese string.
Dinner - unbreaded Cod fillet with garlic and lime, 1 cup garlic mashed potatoes, tomatoe and cuke salad with feta and balsamic vinegar.
Dessert - 1 medium peach, sliced.
Exercise - Walk to and from bus stop and walk from QFC to home - 1.8 miles
Water - 64oz

Tuesday Aug. 24
Breakfast - 1 cup Kashi go lean cereal with 1/2 cup. silk vanilla soy milk
Pre-lunch snack - 1 1/2 cup green grapes
Lunch - Kashi pumpkin spice granola bar, 1 cup Oikos greek yogurt [0fat, high protein], 1 cheese string
Dinner - 4 oz lean steak, 1 cup green beans sauteed in garlic and 1/2 tsp of butter, garlic mashed potatoes
Dessert - 1/4 medium cantelope
Exercise - walk to bus stop - 0.7miles - walk home from work - 1.4 = 2.1miles

Monday, August 22, 2011

I am a Motherfucking Tragedy.

14 Minutes

I have fourteen minutes to dump everything that is in my head. I want to start my afternoon feeling fresh and not like I have a billion things crammed into my head. You don't have to read this, just so you know. I mean I don't think that there will be anything here that will pertain to you. I wish I wasn't at work and I wish I wasn't in Seattle. Coming back to my tiny studio apartment last night was really the last thing that I needed or wanted for that matter. Why can't I stay in Vancouver, why can't I stay where I feel I belong? There really isn't an answer to that question. I could move back tomorrow if I really wanted to, but I wouldn't be doing it in a way that would be beneficial to me. I would be jobless and homeless and it isn't exactly the way I want to start out my so-called new life back home.
I get so lonely sometimes that I think I could die from it. I don't mind spending time by myself because I can certainly get along being alone, but sometimes it would be nice to come home to someone or have someone come home to me. To cook meals for more than just one person. To be held as I fall asleep to wake up to a kiss on my forehead. Instead I shuffle around to and from work, to social engagements. I do chores and I watch movies, by myself. Even when I am out and about and with others I still feel an empty feeling. This feeling really needs to go away. So here I am , looking at the factors that contribute to this, and to fix them. To be happy being me, by myself and to be thankful for the life that I do have. I want to have some sort of contentment with solitude.
I'm going to start running today. I'm going to put on my sneakers and my yoga pants and I'm going to run this evening. Run along Elliot and then run along 15th. Run until I can't run anymore and then, when I'm out of breath, push myself just a little bit extra. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time an I feel so amazing after I exercise so it is time to start doing it on a regular basis. How does one do that? Really? I'm not sure, but I bet I can figure it out along the way and I'm sure I can find someone that can help me out.

Okay, I have 5 minutes and I'm going to use that 5 minutes left of my lunch hour to get some water and close my eyes for a few. If you made it this far, I applaud you.

- G.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

#8 - My Beliefs [or lack thereof]

My Beliefs

I don't believe in god.

I don't believe in organized religion.

I believe in being a good person. Not because you're going to get a reward in the afterlife, but because you genuinely care about your fellow human beings.

I don't believe in karma, I do believe that some of us will just go through life suffering more than others.

I believe that life is random. That being somewhere at the wrong time is just the way that it goes. Being somewhere at the right time is the way it goes as well.

I believe that society as a whole will steadily get worse and worse until there is nothing but anarchy.

I believe that there are greater emotions that exist other than love but because society puts so much emphasis on so-called norms, we can't focus on anything but the old adage, "You're not somebody until somebody loves you." [Perhaps adage is the wrong word here, as adage pertains to transmitting wisdom and this saying is anything but wise.]

I do believe in love and I do believe that love can conquer many things but first we have to conquer them ourselves.

I believe that we should all be free to believe whatever we want without others putting us down or trying to push on us things that we have already dismissed as, at least to us, un-believable.

PS - Go up and click the title of this post, just do it alright?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

#7 - A Moment [or two!]

There are two moments that come to mind when I think of "a moment." The first is that moment when I finally stopped hurting. When the pain of a broken heart just vanishes into a puff of smoke and you're free to live your life again. That moment when you no longer feel like you're dragging around a thousand emotions and the weight of the world. It's this moment that I think about often and that I secretly wish that I will never feel again. Sadly, I know it will not be so. I will feel the pain of heartbreak again, I will just be better prepared for when it does happen.

A second moment that I have been carrying around with me for the past month was the view from V's penthouse condo in Vancouver. I swear my jaw must have dropped to the floor and stayed there for 10 minutes. I have never, ever seen a view like that before. I've been up and down the sea to sky highway and on top of tall buildings, but it was nothing like this one. I think the reason that it was special was because it was personal. At that moment, that view of the city lights and the dark inky sky was just mine. No one else could see it and no one else could have it. And after that moment, I put it away inside my heart. Perhaps that was the catalyst for my healing and perhaps that is why I feel so light these days. Finding something, even something someone had no idea that they gave to you and making it your own. So thanks V. -- even though you will never see this -- for giving me something that you didn't even know you could give. My city, my heart.

Friday, August 12, 2011

What do you mean I have to wait six more days? But I want to be in Vancouver this weekend too...

Monday, August 8, 2011

Go Fuck Yourself

There is no god. If there was, he wouldn't let an 18 year old die.

If anything, this tragedy has reaffirmed my un-belief and my total lack of faith in some sort of higher power.

Agnostic is not a strong enough word for me. Atheist is what I will always be.