Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Reflections on a Sunday

The ice is starting to thaw and perhaps the Winter that took over my body and more specifically my heart is turning to the Spring. It's hard to admit that to myself and harder to admit out in the open.

Yesterday felt like a Sunday because of the holiday and I decided to have a "reality check." I watched some of my favorite movies that make me feel. Those movies that make my heart hurt and my eyes water with both frustration and this intense desireto feel something internally. I have quite a few movies that I tend to watch to make this happen, and you may decide to laugh at me for my choices and although I feel no desire and no need to defend my choices, I would like to talk about them.

The Sex and the City movie. If you haven't actually seen this movie and just think that it’s the normal dibble that the TV show spouted, then you can just move on and skip this part. I don't really want to give a whole plot synopsis, but basically John jilts Carrie at the altar. After all that they had been through together throughout the original series it was really nice to get the "happily ever after" ending at the conclusion of the final season on TV and through the beginning of the movie you see just how happy they are together after going through all of that hurt and heartache. For actors they really have some amazing chemistry and made me believe in the relationship that was John and Carrie. When Carrie and company arrive late to the library where the wedding is taking place, there is this amazing scene where she is told that John isn't there yet. A look crosses Carrie's face and although you know what is going to happen next, you cross your fingers that it doesn't. When a phone call to Mr. Big yields the information that no, her groom is not coming, I can feel her devastation. The rest of the movie pulls out all of my sympathy and places it on Carrie as she does her best to move on with her life although you know that John is never too far from her mind. The heartbreak feels so real to me and it reminds me of my own devastation. [of course said movie has a happy ending and if it weren't for the fact that Carrie and Big get back together and get married I probably wouldn't watch this movie at all]

However, movies are movies and I can't help but wonder what percentage of the population actually does get back together after a break up? Perhaps I need to put some research into this.

I'm very much surprised that I haven't died of a heart attack. That feeling one gets when the news is bad. That pain, piercing and tormented emotion that flows through me is unbearable. You can't breathe and maybe you have to throw up. One minute you're fine and the next you are in absolute hysterics. Having someone to catch you when you fall is probably the most important thing in life. Unless of course you like hitting the ground and becoming a bloody mess. A word from the wise, we don't bounce as easily as you think.

The second movie I watched is Moulin Rouge. I like this movie because of the music and the costumes and well, Christian and Satine. Love doomed from the beginning, but love they faithfully pursued despite the obstacles of Ziedler and that motherfucker Patron. [I can't remember his name at the moment.] Then there are the supporters of their love that want it see it succeed and offer the couple any sort of help that they can to see them through. Satine's life of course, is dependant on the Moulin Rouge, which of course the deed is now in the hands of the Patron so she is pulled every which way that she can be pulled. Fighting for her life as her career and life as Christian, her life as love, and maybe most importantly, her life as life. Satine suffers from Tuberculosis and her days are pretty much numbered which makes her decisions as to what she does even that more important. Does she live for love?

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. ~ Eden Ahbez

It's all so beautiful, it really is. Seeing it in movies and all around me.

It makes my heart ache, but at least it is alive. Thaw quickly my heart, to love is to thrive.

Monday, May 23, 2011

It's Closed, Like Me.

Near You Always

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always

Friday, May 20, 2011

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #5 - Your Definition of Love


First of all, if you haven't gone back and read what I wrote about love oh a couple of posts down, do so. I'll wait.

My Definition of love is neither simple nor complex in that it is both at the same time.

"Is simplicity best? Or simply the easiest? The narrowest paths, are also the holiest." [Thank you Depeche Mode]

I'm not sure if I believe in love anymore. I know that black thing within my chest does and there are days when she is ruthless and unsatisfied with the course of action I have set out for us. I digress.

Love is that all encompassing feeling of being home. Love is about always thinking of the other person, even when they are not around. Looking at books and seeing their face reflected in the cover. Perhaps you watch a movie and see their name in the credits. It's upfront and realistic, yet it is a dream. It's romance, circumstance and happenstance.

Love is something that I wish I could ignore and live without. It's something that I wished I never felt and could banish from ever falling prey to feeling again. It's a delight to watch in others, but such a torture to feel in myself.

Love is pain and pain is love and Billy Corgan says Love is Suicide.

My definition of love, I'm sure, isn't a popular one, but right now, its one that I need. Failing to feel and banishing those emotions to the inner most place inside me. Hopefully, I'll forget where I put it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #4 - What You Ate Today

Well this certainly is an interesting topic and one that perhaps will get me to think twice before I eat something.

For breakfast I had a grande Americano with two extra shots of espresso from Starbucks to try and kickstart my day. I stayed up SUPER late chatting on the phone and while it was hard enough to get out of bed, it was even harder to try and convince myself to go to work. When I got into work I toasted an english muffin and put some peanut butter on it. [strangely, I have a jar of peanut butter in my desk.]

I did manage to get thirty minutes of a lunch in today and settled for cafeteria food so I didn't have to go too far. I had a green salad and a bowl of split pea soup. Once again, not terribly exciting.

About a half an hour ago one of the paralegals in my department dropped off a slice of chocolate cake. It was gooey and sweet and oh so yummy. I fell in love with it. Too bad I ate it before I could ask it to move in.

I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner yet, I'm sure I can find something in the back of my cupboards to eat. Perhaps I'll find something tasty in the freezer. Most likely I will either go out and get something to eat or pick up something on my way home from work.

This was by far the most boring blog post I have ever done. Cheers if you made it this far!

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #3 - Your Parents

My parents are two vastly different people that had two vastly different children. I'm not sure if I really want to talk about my parents on an open forum such as this.

My parents separated when I was eleven and I hate to say it, I've felt like I've been on my own since then. I have to give my mom a lot of credit for raising me and my sister on her own though. I can't imagine what it was like to put up with me in my teen years. I suppose if I could go back, I'd take out all those times I tried/threatened to kill myself. I can't imagine the kind of stress that I put on her by doing that. I wasn't a horrible kid, but I wasn't the greatest either. I'm still not sure to this day if she ever knew about the drug use and the drinking. Regardless, she was and is a wonderful and strong woman who has dealt with a lot in her life lately. I feel very fortunate that I can be there for her and although there are many miles between us, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find her.

I'm not sure if I really want to talk about my father at this time. I love him and I'm pretty sure he still loves me, despite everything.