Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

When the Heart Guides the Hand



My days tend to go back and forth lately. Some days I believe I have a firm grasp on who I am and what I am all about. Other days I feel totally adrift in a sea full of uncertainty. I've kept my emotions seriously in check and aside from my sense of humour, I try to keep my cards close to my chest. I don't want to feel that searing pain of rejection again, nor the endless aftershock of emotions that tend to follow. I've cultivated this little drama free life that I'm proud of, and that I try to maintain with a sense of fairness and integrity.



My heart has healed and the emotional pain is gone...finally. There isn't a time that I look back without feeling a twinge of that sweet sadness that accompanies the thoughts of those years, but it doesn't pull me down to my knees anymore and force tears from my eyes. My heart is content at the outcome and although she is once again locked up tight from the light of the world, she still beats with fierce loyalty and passion for those that she adores. There is love contained inside me, but I choose to give it to those who I call my family, all of those people that picked me back up after I fell so many times. There is knowing smile that allows me to discern that there are days when I will be open to all the possibilities that love and affection have to offer, but for now I choose to surround myself in good company, and focus on all those things that life has to offer that envelopes the ideals and dreams that I have.



So many wonderful things are happening to the people around me that it sincerely fills my heart to bursting. To see those that perhaps have been unlucky in the realm of love to find it in such a short time. The brievity of courtship does not tarnish the shine of true feelings and certainly does not make them any the less valid than those that find it over time. So find it, hold on to it and cherish it for what it is, and what it will become. Do not shy away from any feelings that your heart may say and embrace the heart that feels the pure love that it is meant to feel. It is for you that MY heart sings at such a lovely sight. It is MY eyes that weep when I see that smile across your face when he kisses you. You deserve no less than this perfection that I am so honoured to witness. I love you.




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



† Dear Gennifer-



You are loved, although you may not know it. †







Untitled #9


I stretch out like a cat stealing sunshine warmth from the livingroom carpet.

I point my toes.

Left,

then right.

Left,

then right.

I open up my mouth to let out another escapee.

Yawn.

Thoughts dangle in front of my eyes.

I squint to blur the light and to

deform the words.

"Happiness" becomes

"Content" and "Smile"

becomes "Please."

My heart beats lightly underneath

all the fallen pictures.

From head to heart

and back again.

Floating on my sunshine carpet.

My inner feline speaks...

Simplicity or duplicity?

2 comments:

  1. Very beautiful sentiment, and well do I understand the feeling of joy you reference when people close to you find love. Yet do you find as I do that it foremost serves as a reminder of what you've had and lost?

    Bittersweet, that is the word. Of course you have love for those that picked you up and dusted you off after the fall. Such trying times really show us who really cares, and for me at least the results were shocking.

    Those that I expected to lend a shoulder to lean on were no where to be found, and an acquaintance whom I did not even call friend, who I discounted entirely showed himself to be truer than any man I have called brother before.
    There was no debt to settle, nay nothing owed me. I found it to be very humbling, and as a result I am trying to not judge quickly any longer.

    I hope I am not wrong in my choice.
    That being to throw caution to the wind and keep my heart open even though it's been ravaged, drug through filth and desecrated one too many times. Because I have opted to lock it away before. I know the husk that moved through life wearing my face while I was dead inside, I know that void, it cares not for me or anyone I hold dear but only for my own perpetual purgatory.

    By choosing to be "open" Of course I leave myself open to that raw hurt, the pure crippling pain that only someone I love can cause. Wounds of the soul remain ever long if not for eternity.

    It is the hardest thing I've ever done, choosing to open my heart to the possibility of love once again. I find my days to be sweeter by far for it.

    But I fault no one for choosing to keep that door shut, the risk is very great.


    On another note, I find your poetry to be vivid and quite stimulating on several levels. I am rather impressed and intrigued.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful words.
    I think you've captured what living intentionally means.
    I am happy about your happiness :)

    ReplyDelete