Memento Mori

My photo
Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

30 Days in More than 30 - Topic #1 - Introduce Yourself



My name is Gennifer Holland, but I'm pretty sure that you've already gathered that. I'm a twenty-nine year old Canadian female that has been living in the United States - Seattle specifically - for the past 7 years. I'm from Vancouver BC originally, and I miss home. Home is the place that I used to know, but now it seems so far away. I don't get up to visit nearly as much as I'd like and instead find myself cultivating quite the life down here.
I still live in Seattle even after my marriage ended because of my job. I'm a legal secretary for the largest law firm in the Pacific Northwest. It's an amazing job and it has opened up so many doors to further my career. I've been given opportunities here in Seattle that I wouldn't have been able to receive back home with my lack of post-secondary education. My "job" - although at this point I believe is a career - is really important to me. It has gotten me out of a lifetime of foodservice and retail jobs and actually into something that I enjoy and can see myself moving forward in. There is even a part of me that contemplates going to college and then eventually on into law school. Then there is the other part of me that cannot see myself giving up my social life to go to school.
I was recently crowned Ms. Gothic Seattle 2011 and I have to say that although it is a cheesy title, I worked hard to get it and I'm going to work hard to get back into the first floor of the Goth Scene here in Seattle. I miss promoting, putting on events and DJing. I miss running around trying to get an event off the ground and then sitting back and watching it succeed.
**flashback moment**
Myself and DJ Casperella cramming all our DJ gear into a cab to get down to the skytrain so we can get downtown to "Lick" for our weekly gig called "Shift." The concept of Shift was to shift away from what we would normally do. Goth/Industrial/EBM. We mixed it up with a lot of rock and popular dance music at the time. The DJ booth at the club was up this huge ladder to the top of the ceiling. You couldn't wear your hair big back then because the booth was so small. The monitor's didn't work very well and I remember playing something that sounded just horrid on the floor. I want to say that my first experience of dead air happened at that club. Oh Lick with your 20 foot ceilings and faux French design. I miss it, I miss having my own night and rushing along Vancouver city streets in the rain and darkness to get to something that helped keep me alive.
**end moment**
I live to experience pleasure in almost everything I do and I live for those experiences that make my heart soar. To do those things that you know you will remember for the rest of your life. To live like there is no tomorrow and to be content with your life if you knew that today was your last.
I'm decadence and debauchery. I'm living sin, and sin living in me. I'm about doing everything I want to do and not looking back. Treating you with the respect that you deserve and hope that you'll return the favor. Of not living with regrets and taking each and every moment as it comes. Sometimes we have to do things that we are not proud of, but I refuse to feel guilty for things that I didn't destroy. Two to tango, two to fight, two to fuck. It's all relative.
I am exactly who I want to be at this point in my life. I'm lucky to know you, but you know what, you're lucky to know me as well.
I think I sufficiently introduced myself.
Love to you all.

Nostalgia

My City, My Heart.

The city lights sparkle off of the wet streets.

My hands are full.

Heavy gear,

but a light heart.

It may look cute to carry it all this way,

but damn if it isn't awkward.

I don't care though,

as I dislodge a ribbon from my hair,

that has stuck to my black lip gloss.

My eyes now sparkle with crystalline tears of joy.

A song in my heart proclaims and sings my happiness.

I am at the center of the world

in which I want to be.

With less dramatics

and more romantics.

I am a sight to see,

as I turn the corner and fall into

the sweet smoky darkness

that will forever be my home.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

When the Heart Guides the Hand



My days tend to go back and forth lately. Some days I believe I have a firm grasp on who I am and what I am all about. Other days I feel totally adrift in a sea full of uncertainty. I've kept my emotions seriously in check and aside from my sense of humour, I try to keep my cards close to my chest. I don't want to feel that searing pain of rejection again, nor the endless aftershock of emotions that tend to follow. I've cultivated this little drama free life that I'm proud of, and that I try to maintain with a sense of fairness and integrity.



My heart has healed and the emotional pain is gone...finally. There isn't a time that I look back without feeling a twinge of that sweet sadness that accompanies the thoughts of those years, but it doesn't pull me down to my knees anymore and force tears from my eyes. My heart is content at the outcome and although she is once again locked up tight from the light of the world, she still beats with fierce loyalty and passion for those that she adores. There is love contained inside me, but I choose to give it to those who I call my family, all of those people that picked me back up after I fell so many times. There is knowing smile that allows me to discern that there are days when I will be open to all the possibilities that love and affection have to offer, but for now I choose to surround myself in good company, and focus on all those things that life has to offer that envelopes the ideals and dreams that I have.



So many wonderful things are happening to the people around me that it sincerely fills my heart to bursting. To see those that perhaps have been unlucky in the realm of love to find it in such a short time. The brievity of courtship does not tarnish the shine of true feelings and certainly does not make them any the less valid than those that find it over time. So find it, hold on to it and cherish it for what it is, and what it will become. Do not shy away from any feelings that your heart may say and embrace the heart that feels the pure love that it is meant to feel. It is for you that MY heart sings at such a lovely sight. It is MY eyes that weep when I see that smile across your face when he kisses you. You deserve no less than this perfection that I am so honoured to witness. I love you.




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† Dear Gennifer-



You are loved, although you may not know it. †







Untitled #9


I stretch out like a cat stealing sunshine warmth from the livingroom carpet.

I point my toes.

Left,

then right.

Left,

then right.

I open up my mouth to let out another escapee.

Yawn.

Thoughts dangle in front of my eyes.

I squint to blur the light and to

deform the words.

"Happiness" becomes

"Content" and "Smile"

becomes "Please."

My heart beats lightly underneath

all the fallen pictures.

From head to heart

and back again.

Floating on my sunshine carpet.

My inner feline speaks...

Simplicity or duplicity?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Genesis



So it all begins again. This past Friday I was crowned, Ms. Gothic Seattle 2011. As silly as this sounds, it was the culmination of a lot of hard work. Growing, being, acceptance. I don't know who I was a year ago, or why she came to manifest herself in me. I'm not sure how I managed to purge myself of behaviours, unbecoming, but I did.

I'm looking forward to spending the next year of my "reign" helping to make the Seattle Gothic Community even better than it is. To get back to things I miss, like promoting and putting on events. Getting involved and getting myself out there is my long term goal and one I believe I will be successful in.


I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately. Bringing memories to the surface and analyzing the feelings I have left. There are still some movies that I cannot watch and some places where I dare not tread, but for the most part, my heart has healed. I keep her locked up tight, so that no one can get to her save my family and friends. Life is easier that way, and perhaps at some point I shall unlock the door and allow her to roam free. My spirit is content for the moment, but there are times where I feel myself wandering, and feel a not quite jealousy for what others have that I do not. I try to remember that this is my choosing, and that happiness is something that we all deserve. My jealousy fades quite quickly, when I remember how happy I want you to be.

And so it all begins again. My intent to blog more and to get everything documented. I have a book in the works and I daresay that my blog will make it easier to write it. Spring is coming and with it a renewal. The layers peel back and I can see how shiny everything is. How I'm new again but knowing all that I have learned from silly mistakes and heartbreak. Repentance and forgiveness. Beauty in my darkness.