Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My days tend to go back and forth lately. Some days I believe I have a firm grasp on who I am and what I am all about. Other days I feel totally adrift in a sea full of uncertainty. I've kept my emotions seriously in check and aside from my sense of humour, I try to keep my cards close to my chest. I don't want to feel that searing pain of rejection again, nor the endless aftershock of emotions that tend to follow. I've cultivated this little drama free life that I'm proud of, and that I try to maintain with a sense of fairness and integrity.
My heart has healed and the emotional pain is gone...finally. There isn't a time that I look back without feeling a twinge of that sweet sadness that accompanies the thoughts of those years, but it doesn't pull me down to my knees anymore and force tears from my eyes. My heart is content at the outcome and although she is once again locked up tight from the light of the world, she still beats with fierce loyalty and passion for those that she adores. There is love contained inside me, but I choose to give it to those who I call my family, all of those people that picked me back up after I fell so many times. There is knowing smile that allows me to discern that there are days when I will be open to all the possibilities that love and affection have to offer, but for now I choose to surround myself in good company, and focus on all those things that life has to offer that envelopes the ideals and dreams that I have.
So many wonderful things are happening to the people around me that it sincerely fills my heart to bursting. To see those that perhaps have been unlucky in the realm of love to find it in such a short time. The brievity of courtship does not tarnish the shine of true feelings and certainly does not make them any the less valid than those that find it over time. So find it, hold on to it and cherish it for what it is, and what it will become. Do not shy away from any feelings that your heart may say and embrace the heart that feels the pure love that it is meant to feel. It is for you that MY heart sings at such a lovely sight. It is MY eyes that weep when I see that smile across your face when he kisses you. You deserve no less than this perfection that I am so honoured to witness. I love you.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
So it all begins again. This past Friday I was crowned, Ms. Gothic Seattle 2011. As silly as this sounds, it was the culmination of a lot of hard work. Growing, being, acceptance. I don't know who I was a year ago, or why she came to manifest herself in me. I'm not sure how I managed to purge myself of behaviours, unbecoming, but I did.
I'm looking forward to spending the next year of my "reign" helping to make the Seattle Gothic Community even better than it is. To get back to things I miss, like promoting and putting on events. Getting involved and getting myself out there is my long term goal and one I believe I will be successful in.
I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately. Bringing memories to the surface and analyzing the feelings I have left. There are still some movies that I cannot watch and some places where I dare not tread, but for the most part, my heart has healed. I keep her locked up tight, so that no one can get to her save my family and friends. Life is easier that way, and perhaps at some point I shall unlock the door and allow her to roam free. My spirit is content for the moment, but there are times where I feel myself wandering, and feel a not quite jealousy for what others have that I do not. I try to remember that this is my choosing, and that happiness is something that we all deserve. My jealousy fades quite quickly, when I remember how happy I want you to be.
And so it all begins again. My intent to blog more and to get everything documented. I have a book in the works and I daresay that my blog will make it easier to write it. Spring is coming and with it a renewal. The layers peel back and I can see how shiny everything is. How I'm new again but knowing all that I have learned from silly mistakes and heartbreak. Repentance and forgiveness. Beauty in my darkness.