And now for something a little more real...
There is something that needs to happen, that I need to prepare for. There is something I have to do, to say, to find just one piece of my mind. Peace of mind.
The events of this weekend triggered something inside of me. Saddened me to the core and to the center of myself. It's one thing to act a certain way to behave a certain way. It's another thing to watch your own abhorrent behaviour be performed by someone else. That recognition I felt as I watched the events unfold in front of my very eyes made me SICK. I felt like I was going to throw up when it all clicked and all of those pieces fell into place. It was like looking into a mirror but the face that stared back at me wasn't my own.
So what is next? You keep working at it and I'm working at it. First things first, all those good habits that make me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something.
I went grocery shopping twice this past week. I've stocked up on dinner meals and today I went up to Trader Joe's to get some lunch items to save me some money. I picked up some good winter tea, Vanilla and Cinnamon. The box is wonderful it has this cute little cartoon lemur on it, holding a mug of tea and wrapped up in a string of holiday lights. His little stripey tail is just super-cute.
I just finished doing a huge clean of my apartment while dancing around to On the Edge. Paul has been playing some great music tonight and I heard this band called Liquid Divine that I had never heard of before. I'm sure they've been around for ages and I just haven't noticed. :P I've really been lax on the music lately and have been falling into bands that I listen to over and over again. The same ones I complain are overplayed at the clubs over and over again. [although I do say that if I hear Military Fashion Show one more time I'm going to abandon all of my military inspired outfits.] The song that Paul played by Liquid divine was Sojourner and it was very haunting to me, I'm not quite sure why. Thursday I'll get my live music fix with Combichrist and Aesthetic Perfection. The last time they came around I was horribly sick with pneumonia and wasn't able to go. [I did try my best to get my caretakers to let me go though.] I suppose it would be silly of me to want to go with D. [.:even though I don't feel silly:. it was his xmas gift to me that year.]
My own mortality has been playing in my head over and over again since my mom had the stroke. Why did I ever want to die again? Why was it always this bright and shiny option? I can say this. If I could take years off of my life and give it to any member of my family or my dear friends, I would do it in a heartbeat. Losing something you haven't yet experienced is one thing, and throwing away everything you have ever known is another. "...but seeing death, really seeing it makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous."
My zebra finches finally have names! The white finch is Kali and the gray finch is Discordia. Hindu and Roman names for the Greek goddess Eris. [Eris meaning Strife.] I don't think that they will ever respond to their names, but Kali has informed me that if I don't buy another nest she will bring out her namesake!
I have no idea how to end this, but I'm going to end this here. There is a good book and pj's waiting for me on the bed.