Memento Mori

My photo
Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Sunday, November 28, 2010

What exactly are the limits of the human spirit?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I have no title for was me thinking outloud but online.

Old habits die hard...

...but new habits quickly take their place!

take THAT destructive behaviour!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Cold, Cold Heart

Ode to Winter, My Love
From this height, I can see everything you've spread across the city.
I see bright lights twinkling through white flakes dusting by.
You give me that feeling in my heart, of love, of beauty.
Your beauty.

You surround me as I walk, stroll across the depths of you.
No one can see it save the scarf embracing my lips, a smile.
I take my time, even though your adversary chills me.
Looking in the eyes of those who pass me, desolation.
Why is everyone so scared of you?

Every year you come a different way and make me beg for your touch.
I surround myself in layers to prevent you from taking me too fast.
Throughout it all a part of me is fulfilled, a part of me is left in limbo.
The days pass by and I am drowning in your presence, your touch.
You follow me, press against me while I sleep.

The emptiness, the longing are my constant companions.
My skin has now turned blue, matching the inside.
My tears frozen solid.
Cracking, I blow away.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sometimes You Can Only talk to yourself...

Crash and burn
All the stars explode tonight
How'd you get so desperate?
How'd you stay alive?
Help me please
Burn the sorrow from your eyes
Oh, come on be alive again
Don't lay down and die

Hey, hey
You know what to do
Oh, baby, drive away to Malibu

Get well soon
Please don't go any higher
How are you so burnt when
You're barely on fire?
Cry to the angels
I'm gonna rescue you
I'm gonna set you free tonight, baby
Pour over me

Hey, hey
We're all watching you
Oh, baby, fly away to Malibu
Cry to the angels
And let them swallow you
Go and part the sea, yeah, in Malibu

And the sun goes down
I watch you slip away
And the sun goes down
I walk into the waves
And the sun goes down
I watch you slip away
And I walk

And I know love will tear you apart
Oh and I know the darkest secret of your heart

Hey, hey
I'm gonna follow you
Oh baby, fly away, yeah
To Malibu
Oceans of angels, oceans of stars
Down by the sea is where you drown your scars

I can't be near you
The light just radiates
I can't be near you
The light just radiates

Monday, November 15, 2010

Oh the Clarity.

I just started writing. How I was feeling and it came pouring out. The good with the bad. The bad staring starkly at me...

"Seeing the error of your ways written out in your own handwriting is a sick fucking thing."

For me, not doing anything about them is even fucking sicker.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I was once another girl...

I like how crappy nights turn happy with just one stop at the bookstore.

All dressed up, I'm getting strange looks from this short asian guy who is staring at my four-inch-patent-leather-platform-boots. Sitting on my heels in the science fiction section of half-price books trying to remember to remember to start carrying that important piece of paper around with me. that piece of paper, lists of all the books I need to find.

The bad music from Cafe Metropolitain gave me a headache and the lights in half-price books is not making it any better. My arms full:

A Wizard of Earthsea - Ursula Le Guin
Dzur - Steven Brust
The Word for World is Forest - Ursula Le Guin
Issola - Steven Brust

I pause to fix the laces on one of my boots. Stack the beauty before me and as I look up ever so slightly to my eleven:

Mouse Guard Comic




Headache magically gone and I'm on my way home for belly time.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Livre du jour avec des poulets

"He loved how they all bunched up like a fluffy tide, and all went this way or that way."

- Florian, Cyteen by CJ Cherryh, Chapter 5

Monday, November 8, 2010

Winter Can be Warm

Here's the cute little tea box with the cuddly lemur. Below is my Cardinal Cup with some tastiness brewing. Perfect for thawing me out after my trip to the pet store.

p.s. your link today is what I looked like while waiting for the bus in the cold. not a happy birdie.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Queen in Exile [when you hit the link you need to scroll a bit to find the reference - I made it a little harder for you this time.]

And now for something a little more real...

There is something that needs to happen, that I need to prepare for. There is something I have to do, to say, to find just one piece of my mind. Peace of mind.

The events of this weekend triggered something inside of me. Saddened me to the core and to the center of myself. It's one thing to act a certain way to behave a certain way. It's another thing to watch your own abhorrent behaviour be performed by someone else. That recognition I felt as I watched the events unfold in front of my very eyes made me SICK. I felt like I was going to throw up when it all clicked and all of those pieces fell into place. It was like looking into a mirror but the face that stared back at me wasn't my own.

So what is next? You keep working at it and I'm working at it. First things first, all those good habits that make me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something.

I went grocery shopping twice this past week. I've stocked up on dinner meals and today I went up to Trader Joe's to get some lunch items to save me some money. I picked up some good winter tea, Vanilla and Cinnamon. The box is wonderful it has this cute little cartoon lemur on it, holding a mug of tea and wrapped up in a string of holiday lights. His little stripey tail is just super-cute.

I just finished doing a huge clean of my apartment while dancing around to On the Edge. Paul has been playing some great music tonight and I heard this band called Liquid Divine that I had never heard of before. I'm sure they've been around for ages and I just haven't noticed. :P I've really been lax on the music lately and have been falling into bands that I listen to over and over again. The same ones I complain are overplayed at the clubs over and over again. [although I do say that if I hear Military Fashion Show one more time I'm going to abandon all of my military inspired outfits.] The song that Paul played by Liquid divine was Sojourner and it was very haunting to me, I'm not quite sure why. Thursday I'll get my live music fix with Combichrist and Aesthetic Perfection. The last time they came around I was horribly sick with pneumonia and wasn't able to go. [I did try my best to get my caretakers to let me go though.] I suppose it would be silly of me to want to go with D. [.:even though I don't feel silly:. it was his xmas gift to me that year.]

My own mortality has been playing in my head over and over again since my mom had the stroke. Why did I ever want to die again? Why was it always this bright and shiny option? I can say this. If I could take years off of my life and give it to any member of my family or my dear friends, I would do it in a heartbeat. Losing something you haven't yet experienced is one thing, and throwing away everything you have ever known is another. "...but seeing death, really seeing it makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous."

My zebra finches finally have names! The white finch is Kali and the gray finch is Discordia. Hindu and Roman names for the Greek goddess Eris. [Eris meaning Strife.] I don't think that they will ever respond to their names, but Kali has informed me that if I don't buy another nest she will bring out her namesake!

I have no idea how to end this, but I'm going to end this here. There is a good book and pj's waiting for me on the bed.

Friday, November 5, 2010

+ Untitled +

It's hard to put on mascara when you're crying.

"...tell me did I hurt you, hurt you?"

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It's the Little Things

Someone said to me, "Gennifer, without suffering, there would be no compassion in this world."

I looked at them, a tear fell down my cheek and I replied,

"I would rather live in a world without compassion as to have my world without suffering. I would rather rely on my empathy and sympathy to guide me through the times where there was once compassion. There are many ways to feel compassion, but only one way to feel suffering."

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

+ I am in-self imposed exile +