Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


The way of perfection is not in a book, nor is it perfection in itself. I have no desire to just be a shell of made up mannerisms and falsities that the world wishes to push upon me. There is something on the inside that dwells and burns into its own type of perfection, the perfection on my terms.

I am exquisite no matter what. No matter how my inner delinquent tries to tell me otherwise and no matter how many times I have to fall down and pick myself back up again. One step forward and two steps back it may be, but in the end, I will definitely get there. [Even if it takes me longer than others.]

I don't hold faith to organized religion anymore, I only hold faith and belief in myself. I listen to the inner dialogue and hold it in a very strict fidelity. Listening to my own self used to be such a hard thing for me to do and now it is no longer a struggle to even find the voice within. I suppose that some find early on that they can trust the voice, for me the journey is just beginning and it is one that I feel will be short and densely packed with lessons and tests. I never quite understood how important it was to just go with it. To make decisions and to listen to a combination of your wise self, your child within, your logic and most importantly listening to your heart and emotions. All of those inner elements working together can never steer you wrong and if you think they have, then you're just not looking hard enough to find what you're supposed to find.

For me sometimes it feels like my plague called bipolar subjects me to amplified emotions and feelings. While I have come to believe that having bipolar disorder contributes to these feelings of amplification, I have also learned that I have a certain amount of power over my own brain chemistry. Drugs work well to help that rollercoaster of mania and depression as it builds up in my system but drugs cannot help in alleviating the extent of my amplified emotions, only I can. I suppose that is where therapy and my research come into play. I dare anyone to laugh at the fact that I'm in therapy. It's wonderful and gives me an outlet for so many things that plague my mind. I receive so many tools in dealing with certain emotions and the situations that they put me in. A truly unbiased opinion is rare, but it is one that I am willing to pay for and when you find that one unbiased opinion that you mesh with, its all over. My therapist helps me to own up to things that the old Gennifer wouldn't even dream of and to help me, "perfect" helpful strategies and coping mechanisms that I use in my day to day life. If that wasn't enough once a week, I've been constantly reading books and articles about Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder [which I believe I was misdiagnosed with.] Regardless I have been researching and using a workbook on DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that is very successful in treating those with Borderline Personality Disorder or in my case, ones that feel those amplified emotions and that more often than naught tend to do or say things they don't mean. Putting these exercises into practice has been such a relief to me and while I have been going through a really tough time as of late, they have been paramount in keeping myself mostly in check.

...and so here it is for now. Laid out for all to see. It's better to show who you are, then for people to be disappointed when they find out you're something you're not.

Bonne Nuit Mes Amis.

1 comment:

  1. You amaze me Gen and I am so very proud of you. You have grown so much over the past year that's it's almost unbelievable.