Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Perfection

The way of perfection is not in a book, nor is it perfection in itself. I have no desire to just be a shell of made up mannerisms and falsities that the world wishes to push upon me. There is something on the inside that dwells and burns into its own type of perfection, the perfection on my terms.

I am exquisite no matter what. No matter how my inner delinquent tries to tell me otherwise and no matter how many times I have to fall down and pick myself back up again. One step forward and two steps back it may be, but in the end, I will definitely get there. [Even if it takes me longer than others.]

I don't hold faith to organized religion anymore, I only hold faith and belief in myself. I listen to the inner dialogue and hold it in a very strict fidelity. Listening to my own self used to be such a hard thing for me to do and now it is no longer a struggle to even find the voice within. I suppose that some find early on that they can trust the voice, for me the journey is just beginning and it is one that I feel will be short and densely packed with lessons and tests. I never quite understood how important it was to just go with it. To make decisions and to listen to a combination of your wise self, your child within, your logic and most importantly listening to your heart and emotions. All of those inner elements working together can never steer you wrong and if you think they have, then you're just not looking hard enough to find what you're supposed to find.

For me sometimes it feels like my plague called bipolar subjects me to amplified emotions and feelings. While I have come to believe that having bipolar disorder contributes to these feelings of amplification, I have also learned that I have a certain amount of power over my own brain chemistry. Drugs work well to help that rollercoaster of mania and depression as it builds up in my system but drugs cannot help in alleviating the extent of my amplified emotions, only I can. I suppose that is where therapy and my research come into play. I dare anyone to laugh at the fact that I'm in therapy. It's wonderful and gives me an outlet for so many things that plague my mind. I receive so many tools in dealing with certain emotions and the situations that they put me in. A truly unbiased opinion is rare, but it is one that I am willing to pay for and when you find that one unbiased opinion that you mesh with, its all over. My therapist helps me to own up to things that the old Gennifer wouldn't even dream of and to help me, "perfect" helpful strategies and coping mechanisms that I use in my day to day life. If that wasn't enough once a week, I've been constantly reading books and articles about Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder [which I believe I was misdiagnosed with.] Regardless I have been researching and using a workbook on DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that is very successful in treating those with Borderline Personality Disorder or in my case, ones that feel those amplified emotions and that more often than naught tend to do or say things they don't mean. Putting these exercises into practice has been such a relief to me and while I have been going through a really tough time as of late, they have been paramount in keeping myself mostly in check.

...and so here it is for now. Laid out for all to see. It's better to show who you are, then for people to be disappointed when they find out you're something you're not.

Bonne Nuit Mes Amis.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I'm cold
my body shivers
and my hair is covered in glass.
My eyes well up,
tear profusely,
and then freeze against my face.
Blue eyes,
glass tears,
and just simple words
before I can no longer move.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Bloodflame

Take a minute to
Find out
What's going on
What's going down
Take a minute to understand
What's going on around me

And I'll take a minute to
Breakdown
And tell myself that it's all wrong
When it's real
Yah-ya-ya

One step forward two steps back
And I'm up on my feet again
One step forward two steps back
And I'm down on my knees again

And I'll throw some things around again
Not for the fun but for some pain
To make a point to make you see
What's going on inside me

And I'll take a minute to cut you up
And tell you that you are all wrong
When it's me

Take a minute to
Find out
What's going on
What's going down
Take a minute to understand
What's going on around me

And I'll take a minute to
Shut my eyes
Try to cover up what I can't hide
and it's me
Yah-ya-ya


And you say that I'm psychotic but that's you
I think maybe just neurotic and that's me
Bloodflame
And that's me bloodflame

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Croire en moi.

I paid off a credit card today and used a little extra money I had to buy some more furniture for the house. Someone very dear to me told me how proud they were of me and I started a savings account. "School" starts soon and I'm both terrified and excited all at once but there is one last piece of educational business to be completed before the Holiday 2010 break. The list is longer than this, but I'm saving it for later.

Motivation.
Inspiration.
Determination.

I believe in me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Building On the Other Side of The Glass

I don't even care if anyone is reading this. Everything is a release when I can put pen to paper, or fingers to keys. Is it possible that things can change in an instant? Yes they can. Life can change, people can die and the birds fly away. Focusing on the moment, on you, on what you're doing can be just as fulfilling as it can be heartbreaking. My realizations and motivations come forth on a daily basis now and though sometimes they are the same, more often than not they fill that emptiness that plagues my thoughts. Those quiet moments when something is whispered into my ear and I can take that moment to contemplate.

While waiting to be called in for some blood tests, I just looked out the window at the gray building beside me. Wondering why you would place a window here just so I could look out into something I was already in. Perhaps it was just a mirror and I was seeing where I already was, or even in this case, where I had already been. What once was a mirror, has dissolved into pure glass. I can see my way into the world, and hopefully the world can see in.


I wrote a poem while in that waiting room and although I rarely edit my poetry, I think this one needs a second look. I shall post tomorrow.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Part I - Untitled

Untitled

I can see it when its all wonderful.
Now I can see it when the dark clouds
settle, and you are left struggling to stay afloat.
I'm tying your ankles down without even knowing it
and your head bobs just out of reach of the cool air.
You're next, and your last breath
makes me release my hold,
as the current drags me down instead.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sublime Satisfaction

so beautiful
so clean
non-confrontational
pure.
enlists within me this
perfect response to satisfy
something so vulgar
I don't need to allow my
insignificant side to shine
too brightly.
so content
in such simple ways.


**judging by the journal I found it in, I place this poem at about 16 months ago.



Wednesday, September 8, 2010

+Will be back in black+
+Mourning wears black+
+I am in mourning+