It's quiet where I am. The night's breath is blowing on the back of my neck from the open window behind me. Soothing sounds decimated by the TV that I'm too lazy to get up and turn off. I should be asleep, but instead I am awake and obsessing just like I always do. I am awake and ever finding more and more projects to do before I decide to take off my glasses and lay my head down to slumber. I want to blame the time difference of my destination but I'm not sure that it would work. I want to take the drugs that make me feel numb to all those anxious feelings inside my heart.
I step up, turn off the TV so now all I can hear are all the sounds of the night pouring in like water. [Well there is also some sort of yappy dog down the block.] I feel heavy, I feel pain.
In everything that is surrounding me, I now understand those things that I need to do. Break out of routines and comfortable zones. Embrace the destiny that has always been there. I will never marry or have children. I'll always want to take the easy way out when dealing with my bi-polar. Sometimes its necessary to walk into the bathroom and work on your footwork because it calms you down and prevents you from screaming at the top of your lungs. Birds are interesting creatures and perhaps you like them because they give you hope, innocence and flight. How many times do we come to the cross roads in our lives and choose to just sit down in the middle and stay the same? How many times do we try and fail and regret to inform ourselves that we are refusing to try again?
I quit drinking before X-mas 2009. That's over six months ago. At the wedding I came so close, but in the end drank apple cider and Roy Rogers'.
I quit smoking almost three months ago, and did smoke at the wedding. I had no idea that many people smoked.
I'm trying again but this time, I'm going to try to work on something different. Something that a near thirty year old woman should have down by now. Something that if I mention here I worry that I might jinx myself, or perhaps I just don't want to share because of the intimacy of my feelings on the subject. Either way, I might succeed and I might fail but if we don't try then we cheat ourselves out of being someone better than we currently are. Complacency and mediocrity are not words that I want in my vocabulary.
It's 12:38am my time.
It's 11:38pm home time.
Goodnight wherever you are.