Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dying Light

I feel the need to at least say something to sum up this year before it hits 2010. The thing is, I really don't know what to say. It seems from the rest of this blog, that it is customary for me to say a few words after the new year has begun. This year I don't want to fall into old routines, so here I am: a little blank and quite frankly, a little lonely.

Sometimes I get this overwhelming ache in my chest. Perhaps it is a panic attack trying to force its way out, or perhaps it is just the emptiness of living alone. I'll admit that sometimes I miss roommates and the chatter of randomness, but at the same time I think that I would gladly take that ache from time to time than give up all that I have worked for. My lease is pretty much up and I think that I will try and negotiate a rent decrease in exchange for signing another year lease. I know for a fact that they rent the apartments in my building for less than what I pay, and when I moved in, it was the cheapest apartment because it was the smallest. Don't get me wrong, I love my little cozy space, but paying less for it would be nice. I'll keep you guys posted.

I am still eternally grateful for all the friends that I have. This past year I have seen so many of my friendships blossom and open up. They've turned into these wonderful things that I find so magical and rewarding. In the new year I would like to get to know these creatures a little bit more and to spend some time with them away from the club scene. I would like to put some more effort into those friendships that didn't get as deep as I would have hoped so they know just how much they mean to me. I love you all. Very, very, very much.

So I didn't get the big D as I would have hoped, but what can I say, he sure didn't show any interest in it either. Life got in the way. Funny how a couple of years ago I didn't have one. 2010 is a great year for a divorce.

My biggest challenge this past year [and I don't give a flying fuck who knows it -- you know who you are.] was dealing with my bipolar. How many times did M. get pissed at me for not taking my drugs? Furthermore, how many times did D. have to do the exact same thing? To top it all off who the hell in my head thought it was a good idea?? Regardless, I think I learned my lesson when I checked myself into Two East to get things back on track and immediately wanted to get the hell back out again. Three and a half days is enough to drive someone crazy again. A couple good things did come out of that hospital stay though. 1) I met some really kick ass people and I learned their stories and experiences with their bipolar and depressive disorders. I even met another cutter. (Speaking of which - I figure my 3 year anniversary is coming up here soon.) 2) I learned that the mood stabilizers just weren't enough, I needed a healthy dose of anti-depressants to go with it. However this in turn has helped me cut back my smoking to near non-existent levels. 2010 will also be my year to quit. 3) The last thing that I learned, or perhaps didn't learn, but had click that being bipolar doesn't mean I'm broken. It's not my fault, its not any one's fault. The chemistry in my brain is just off, I'm lacking something, or perhaps the levels of certain things are a little off kilter, but its not me. And you can call me crazy or fucked up all you want, but that just shows how ignorant you truly are.

I think that one of the biggest changes in my life this past year was my job. I made it through a scary round of layoffs and even managed to get a promotion. I'm learning a heck of a lot about life and law at work. It's funny how I feel like I finally have a job that is going somewhere, that will take me somewhere. I don't feel like the high school-beauty school-dropout that I once did. I feel like I bring something into my department and that I am valued as an employee. Can't say that for all the food service jobs I worked in. As much as I wanted to get that GED completed this year, I have to say that my mental health came first. I have set a time frame though, and I'll be excited to take this test that they say is so easy. :P

I have saved the best thing for last. D. This past February I asked D. to be exclusive with me and of course if you've been around us in the last 12 months you will know just how we feel about each other. I was really scared to get back into a relationship again, to put my heart on the line and to just throw myself into it the way that I did, but there is something about him that just makes me KNOW that he wont hurt me. D. was there for me when my grandparents died. He was there for me when I was in the hospital. He put me up for a couple of nights when I had pneumonia so that I would have a change in scenery. He was there through awkward ex run-ins on the bus or walking in Wallingford. He wanted me to meet his mother. [who by the way is a total sweetheart and I think I'm the daughter she never had!] He has given me so many things that I always craved, that I always wanted, that I always needed. Perhaps this is why I call him my Beloved. I love you D. with my whole heart, always.

Is there anything else left for 2009? Perhaps. I'm looking forward to a quiet evening and a passionate kiss at midnight, hell of a way to start 2010, don't you think?

Love to you all. May the universe bless you and yours in 2010.


Monday, December 28, 2009

these bluebird highs
and this piece of night
...and its all been done before.

take a chance,
its not romance but
its all been done before.