Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In Despair begins Responsibilities...

Despair, how many times can we avoid feeling this in our life? How many times do we actually feel this in our life? I've always tried to be positive, I've always tried to make sure that I didn't feel like there was no way out, but I'm human and there are humans around me, and that is why mistakes get made, feelings get hurt, and I feel despair.


Co-dependency anyone?


Bells go off in my head once again, and I can hear the warnings that they make. Perhaps I am getting too attached to people, to possessions, to parts of myself that I thought existed. It's a hard thing really, to believe that you are most certainly a certain way and to watch it all fall down around you. I feel like once again I have been proven wrong, and I am most certainly, without a doubt, not the human being that I thought I was.


Medication dulls me, makes me feel less creative [although by some happenstance I feel that I am being creative right now.] and makes me feel like I am less interesting. When the drugs hit my system, I turn into a zombie for an hour or so after I take them; How inconvienent to one who thrives on being creative and somewhat eccentric. They disturb my sleep [which in turn requires more powerful drugs to combat the effects] and I am left feeling even more zombified by the lack of sleep the next morning. Without some form of decent sleep, I get cranky, I don't take care of myself, I say things I don't mean, I throw hysterics because I'm not myself and I'm pretty sure that makes me crazy. [I'm also pretty sure that I'm rambling at this point and thus takes away any creative element from it.] I have learned from my little week-long experiment though, that I need my medication, and that it must do something for me, perhaps drive away the mania that sometimes won't let go. I also know that the meds don't take away the depression nor the despair that has been plaguing me. [I also know I need a new doctor]


There are wonderful things in my life too, I'd hate to just post all the doom and gloom that I feel has been resting on my shoulders. I've been attempting to wade through all the stuff on my to-do list, slowly but surely. My relationship with Devin is wonderful, and I feel very blessed to have him in my life. He has been quite the rock on which I have been leaning on a lot lately, and he has never once failed to come through with advice, kisses or even a shoulder to cry on.


I haven't progressed as much on the divorce as I would like to, through no fault of my own. My ex is currently, "investigating", still and I will give him a little bit more time before I call out a process server. I drag my feet on this as it does cost a lot of money to do, and I honestly don't want to have to try and recoup the cost back. I do have a friend willing to do it and if it comes down to it, I will utilize her services, and pay handsomely for it. I honestly don't understand what he is "investigating" because here in Washington State it is pretty cut and dry and if we had just both signed the papers, then its pretty simply and only takes 90 days. I'd like to think that he's just stalling to piss me off, but I'm pretty sure that he is trying to find a way to get me thrown out of the country, although I didn't do anything wrong. I digress...


I've been going through more of my stuff and slowly consolidating. Out with the old, and in with the new? My spending has been more in control lately, except for the past week. [another side effect of going off of my medication] In my apartment building, we have a free closet, and I have been utilizing that wondrous thing for getting rid of some of my stuff. [So far everything that I have put in there has been gone in less than 24 hours]

Tonight I'm going to be hitting the underused closet by my bed and seeing what else I can manage to get rid of.


I've started watching what I eat more, and working out little by little. I've put on a few pounds [once again, another side effect of the meds] and I would really like to have it gone as some of my better clothes haven't been fitting properly.


I recently had a nice guest DJ spot at Club Vogue which totally rawked! I did a great job according to the resident DJ's and I have now obtained, at least for Vogue, club courtasy!


I have an awesome idea for a short story flying around in my head and I have been doing research for it slowly. It has been such a long time since I have had an idea that it really is quite thrilling to me. I have been writing a little prose and poety on the side, and the feedback has been pretty good. :) [this also thrills me]


Life is trying at the moment, I'm feeling in despair and depressed. It is however, amazing to think that just writing out a few good things, makes me feel loads better.


~ G.







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