Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Friendship.

The theme of friendship has been running around in my head for a couple of days now. At the oddest moments, someone who has impacted my life will pop in and as soft as a whisper, drift out.


I've been thinking about how I was when I was a late teen and early 20-something. How the world seemed conquerable, how dreams were unlimited, and how my soul would often take these flights of fancy. Odd little hobbies, strange friendships I didn't think would last and most importantly having real life dreams and goals for the future.


I'm nearing the end of my twenties. This year I will turn 28 and although to some this may seem young, I feel like I have gained so much in my short time upon this earth. The one single thing, that I can think of, that has been consistent through it all, were/are my friends.


When I was really quite young, I never had a lot of friends. I was always the odd one out, chubby and a mama's girl; I didn't even pick out my own clothes until I reached Jr. High. Perhaps this had an impact on my popularity status, but as much as I would have killed to fit in back then, I formed long, lasting friendships with people who were genuine, loving and kind. They appreciated my honesty, and sense of humour. Those girls back then were just like me. Loners [for the most part], never wore the latest fashions. We had wonderful times on the playground making up stories of the Emerald City [Wizard of Oz], or pretending we were sisters. In a way we were, and in a way we still are.


Fast forward to now, 2009. Right now in my life, I have the single most largest group of friends that I have ever had. My social anxiety is now non-existent. Oh the days that I would have to go somewhere like the mall or out with people and I would have to force myself to do it. I was uncomfortable with strangers. Hell, I couldn't even order a pizza. Those days seem so far behind me now. I remember the first time I ever stepped foot in the Mercury. Oh God was I nervous. It was me and another and we came pretty early and sat at that one table that is near the rest rooms, but not between them. I sat there chain smoking and barely talking, afraid my fellow Goths would pull me away or enact some sort of weird justice on me, for absolutely nothing. I didn't dance that first time, nor did I enjoy myself that much. Now, you want me to go to the Merc? Hell yeah!! And I can tell you how I met each and every one of the people that I am here with. I can even tell you about the people that I know that are playing pool, the ones on the dance floor, those people in the corner. They are not acquaintances, because I know about their lives, and they know about mine. The single best thing I have ever done, was invite people to come out to the Social Club.


There have been so many people that have consistently been there for me, constantly helped me, that it has been mind boggling.


I love you all, from the deepest parts of my heart. Those parts that haven't been touched by the pettiness of envy, the emptiness of greed or the acidity of sorrow. I love you from the purest, most unending parts of my heart. The love is indifferent, unconditional, and unyielding in its touch. It loves you, all parts of you, and adores the friendship that you have bestowed upon it - generously. To feel your friendship, is to know it is true.


Much Love,

~ G.




Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In Despair begins Responsibilities...

Despair, how many times can we avoid feeling this in our life? How many times do we actually feel this in our life? I've always tried to be positive, I've always tried to make sure that I didn't feel like there was no way out, but I'm human and there are humans around me, and that is why mistakes get made, feelings get hurt, and I feel despair.


Co-dependency anyone?


Bells go off in my head once again, and I can hear the warnings that they make. Perhaps I am getting too attached to people, to possessions, to parts of myself that I thought existed. It's a hard thing really, to believe that you are most certainly a certain way and to watch it all fall down around you. I feel like once again I have been proven wrong, and I am most certainly, without a doubt, not the human being that I thought I was.


Medication dulls me, makes me feel less creative [although by some happenstance I feel that I am being creative right now.] and makes me feel like I am less interesting. When the drugs hit my system, I turn into a zombie for an hour or so after I take them; How inconvienent to one who thrives on being creative and somewhat eccentric. They disturb my sleep [which in turn requires more powerful drugs to combat the effects] and I am left feeling even more zombified by the lack of sleep the next morning. Without some form of decent sleep, I get cranky, I don't take care of myself, I say things I don't mean, I throw hysterics because I'm not myself and I'm pretty sure that makes me crazy. [I'm also pretty sure that I'm rambling at this point and thus takes away any creative element from it.] I have learned from my little week-long experiment though, that I need my medication, and that it must do something for me, perhaps drive away the mania that sometimes won't let go. I also know that the meds don't take away the depression nor the despair that has been plaguing me. [I also know I need a new doctor]


There are wonderful things in my life too, I'd hate to just post all the doom and gloom that I feel has been resting on my shoulders. I've been attempting to wade through all the stuff on my to-do list, slowly but surely. My relationship with Devin is wonderful, and I feel very blessed to have him in my life. He has been quite the rock on which I have been leaning on a lot lately, and he has never once failed to come through with advice, kisses or even a shoulder to cry on.


I haven't progressed as much on the divorce as I would like to, through no fault of my own. My ex is currently, "investigating", still and I will give him a little bit more time before I call out a process server. I drag my feet on this as it does cost a lot of money to do, and I honestly don't want to have to try and recoup the cost back. I do have a friend willing to do it and if it comes down to it, I will utilize her services, and pay handsomely for it. I honestly don't understand what he is "investigating" because here in Washington State it is pretty cut and dry and if we had just both signed the papers, then its pretty simply and only takes 90 days. I'd like to think that he's just stalling to piss me off, but I'm pretty sure that he is trying to find a way to get me thrown out of the country, although I didn't do anything wrong. I digress...


I've been going through more of my stuff and slowly consolidating. Out with the old, and in with the new? My spending has been more in control lately, except for the past week. [another side effect of going off of my medication] In my apartment building, we have a free closet, and I have been utilizing that wondrous thing for getting rid of some of my stuff. [So far everything that I have put in there has been gone in less than 24 hours]

Tonight I'm going to be hitting the underused closet by my bed and seeing what else I can manage to get rid of.


I've started watching what I eat more, and working out little by little. I've put on a few pounds [once again, another side effect of the meds] and I would really like to have it gone as some of my better clothes haven't been fitting properly.


I recently had a nice guest DJ spot at Club Vogue which totally rawked! I did a great job according to the resident DJ's and I have now obtained, at least for Vogue, club courtasy!


I have an awesome idea for a short story flying around in my head and I have been doing research for it slowly. It has been such a long time since I have had an idea that it really is quite thrilling to me. I have been writing a little prose and poety on the side, and the feedback has been pretty good. :) [this also thrills me]


Life is trying at the moment, I'm feeling in despair and depressed. It is however, amazing to think that just writing out a few good things, makes me feel loads better.


~ G.