Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen...

Well look who's here? It is your humble narrator rising out of the ashes of 2008 and thrusting herself fully into the year 2009. The long awaited time has come, and the baggage has been thrown right out the window and into the incinerator that I call the daytime. :P

Dear readers I sit and type this from bed. Yes perhaps 2009 hasn't been off to the greatest of starts as I am recovering from a bad case of pneumonia that has infected both of my lungs. I'd still like to think that is still 2008 trying to get me down, because I have been sick since the end of last year. Let this be a lesson to all of you, if you have been sick longer than two weeks, get your ass to the doctor. The only reason that my sickness is as bad as it is, is because I waited a month before I went to see a professional.

If it hasn't been obvious from my previous posts here, I think that it is fair to say that I have learned many things this past year, and to be honest, I really don't think that any of it bears repeating. If you so choose, you can just scroll back a few, and relearn from there.

Gennifer feels like a new person. I feel like I have shed some sort of skin, or that an older part of me has been peeled back to showcase something newer, and brighter. After all, when you peel off the layers of an onion, what do you get? Just a newer version of the same thing.

An odd thing happens when you feel new. You feel this desire to totally rid yourself of everything else that you had before. That somehow starting with less, makes you feel like you have more. I have a desire to purge again, purge out all the stuff that I'm not using, both physical and mental. I also feel like it is finally time to make up my mind about certain individuals and situations. Things that perhaps I have been holding onto for dear life, but know that they cannot be revived.

Why does one hold on to the past? Why do we feel the need to keep wishing, hoping, and praying that things will be the same way again? I know now that once you take that step, there is no going back, and although you can try your hardest to make things as they were, they never are. Could I ever go back and have a reasonable relationship with my ex-husband? Probably not. I imagine that it wouldn't matter how much we both wanted it, that it wouldn't work in the end. When I was younger and when relationships were my life, I used to have a hard time letting go of the person, especially when he broke up with me, which was frequently the case in my teen years. I would convince myself that I could get them back, and that for the moment I just needed to forget about them, and somehow in the end, everything would come around full circle and we would be together again. A funny thing would happen, I would get over them, and in the end, I was happier for it. I wasn't so focused on the getting back aspect, as the moving on aspect, and the moving on aspect was just me trying to glaze over the getting back aspect...does that make sense?

So now I'm getting over things and moving on. There are things that I have been pondering on for a long time, and haven't been taking the care and the consideration on. Things that need to be taken care of sooner, rather than later. A friendship that I don't feel is being reciprocated, and that desire to want something more from them which I have a feeling that they don't want to give to me. Although this realization breaks my heart, I find myself once again going to that old nearly teen formula of getting over someone. There is another person in my life that I love dearly, but the behaviour that this person exhibits frightens me sometimes, and reminds me a lot of the behaviour of B. back in the old days. I feel myself being drawn into it, with a desire to push back, and make someone else pay for the sins of another. Something that is not right at all, and to me an indication that perhaps I still have some baggage from beyond that needs to be taken care of.

Speaking of taking care of...I need to start taking care of myself again, and to stop getting so sick that I need to be in bed for days at a time. I've been meaning to start doing things for a while now, and I think that being so sick has helped my motivation further. Did I mention that I'm having a hard time fitting into my pants now? You know there is nothing more embarrassing then knowing that you can only fit into one pair of pants that you have in your closet. My dearest BFF has a pool in her apartment building, so I am going to look into the both of us getting in the pool every once in a while, even though that means stuffing myself into a bathing suit for the first time in 10 years. I'm also going to find some sort of dance aerobics DVD and start doing some cardio to get my lungs back into shape. I have to admit that getting on the scale at the doctors really disappointed me. I now weigh in at 170, and although I'm convinced that I look, "alright", I know that there is always room for improvement, once I am healed, watch out!!

I'd like to think that this year is off to a pretty good start, well with the exception of the sickness and all. There are things happening to me that I'm not a huge fan of, but then again there are things that are happening that are opening my eyes to a world of possibilities that I didn't know existed. I know that no matter how many times your heart has been broken, it is possible to put it back together again, by glue, tape, mortar, or any other substance that you can find. You need to keep doing it, because you need and deserve to feel the love that others have for you, be it romantic, or from a friendship.

I'm stitching mine up as we speak...