Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It's Not Quite The End, But It Is For Now My Dear.

I'll hate the summer now for completely different reasons than I did before.

Days heat and nights stuffy embrace were enough to drive me insane throughout June, July and August. Of course September would save one last heat wave for me, just to push me over that edge. The sun does horrible things for one as pale as I, and I would come out pink with just an afternoon out in its garish light.

Now the summer is hated for reasons more than those I have listed above. This past summer perhaps is the hardest one I have on record. Even though it is halfway through the year, oddly enough I have no recollection of what happened in my life before the summer hit. June, or perhaps July, or was it August I ask? It was July that I left my place that I had someone else map out for me, and began the journey to independence all alone. Leaving comfort, complacency, routine and someone elses fantasy to become someone that I feel I was meant to be inside.

Unfortunately, I was blinded by another and so began my descent into co-dependency again. This time taking on the form of something completely different than I was used to. I had myself moved to the suburbs away from the city that I had always known. I felt shut out from the world, and unable to do anything about it. Beggars can't be choosers you know, and I felt that if I did not take this opportunity that was presented to myself, then life would get even worse. The worst feeling I ever had out there in those suburbs, was the feeling that no one could hear me scream. Screaming to be let out from that cage that I found myself in, unwillingly, but with no other choice. Starting to stare at co-dependency, the one thing that I have tried my entire life to avoid.

I used to be fiercely independent...or so I thought when I was in late teens and early twenties. I first moved out when I was 17. Trying to juggle school and work. I lived alone in a one bedroom basement suite below a crazy crackhead lady that used to ask me the weirdest questions at the weirdest times. Most notably was the time she came down to my apartment, opened the door to my bedroom at 2:30 in the morning and asked me if she could borrow five dollars. I thought I was being independent, but alas, half of my rent was paid through my fathers child support payments and I would pay the other half. My mom and sister dropping by all the time and bringing me food, or leaving money in my room, "accidentally". I may have believed I was independent, but I was not, it was co-dependency in a different form. Next I lived with my sister, and then my mom, and then my boyfriend and his father, and then I moved in with my best friend and his roommates. All the while thinking I was this great independent being. Co-dependency wrapped up in a disguise...again.

When I got married, I totally resigned myself to the fact, that yes, in a marriage its co-dependency. I was fine with it, because I loved him. I loved the fact that we were going to lean on each other when we needed to, and that we were apart of a huge partnership. It was supposed to be 50/50. The years went on, and I found myself unable to do the most simplest of things, like order a pizza or make a phone call to someone I didn't know. I couldn't even talk to the landlord by myself. What the fuck was up with that? That of course brings us back to the suburbs and then the man I fell deeply in love with.

As I think back on this year, well at least the parts that I remember, I think back on all the fun I actually did have. My Dad and his long time girlfriend of 15 years finally tied the knot. This afforded me with a well earned trip up to Birch Bay for the wedding and to a wonderful reunion with my sister that I hadn't seen in almost a year before that. I remember sitting on the porch, and having this car pull up, and out she popped, and down I ran to embrace her. It felt like all those emotions that I had been pushing down finally came out. I just stood there crying in her arms for what felt like an hour, not wanting to let go. The closest thing I had had to girl time since the last time I saw her.

I finally received my full Permanent Resident status from the United States Government, even though it was almost a 5 year, fifteen hundred dollar process. It's funny to come into the country on a K-1 Fiancee Visa, and then have your marriage fall apart.

I was spoiled as a celebration of my green card. J had taken me out for a wonderful meal at El Gaucho. Probably the most expensive meal I will ever eat, and quite possibly the most special I had ever felt to one person. I remember pricey blush champagne, course after course of food and wonderful conversation. Sitting beside each other instead of across, easier to snuggle that way. The night was one I will not soon forget, despite the way things ended between us.

I was treated to Bumbershoot this year, and was surprised to find that I actually enjoyed Death Cab for Cutie enough to go out and buy a couple of their albums. A rare occurrence for me, as I usually stick to what I know. Perhaps this was the beginning of my stepping out into the world and not letting what other people thought get me down.

Other notables of the year include falling in love with Nabokov, a fun trip to Portland on the train, cutting almost all of my hair off, etc etc.

The single thing that I am most thankful for this year are the friends that I have made in the past month. Who knew that a resource such as a blog/journal and the willingness to step out of that ever comfortable and velvety comfort zone would pay off. I would like to thank the following people in random order, even if they never read this, they shall be immortalized: Cheri, Carolyn, Vanessa, Nicole, Izzy, Lasairiona, Heather, Emma, Jen, Laura, April, Melissa, Lisa, Jillian, Jester, Tiffany, Alexandra, Scott, Miguel, Jesse, Charmane, Jen, Devin, Trevor, Ed, Vincent, Jon, Lorena, Christa, Kirsten, Christopher, Roaxanne, Ash... Gawd I feel like I'm at the Oscars or something.

The new year shall prove to be better in more ways than I can imagine. I'm sure that my descent into the darkness will continue as I try to figure out what life is all about. I've learned that nothing, no matter how small, should go unnoticed. Be thankful and acknowledge those around you that deserve it, and leave behind the ones that don't. Life is too short to be stuck somewhere you don't want to be and it sure as hell is meaningless if you don't try to discover who you are.

Much love to all of you!
Bonne Chance!

1 comment:

  1. stumbled upon your blog found in quite interesting; please stop by when you have some time! all comments are always welcome! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
    stay true to what you do~