Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Life is Truly what You Make It

Life is what you make it. You can sit back on the sidelines and watch everyone else have friends, or you can just jump on in there and put yourself out there.

I have done that. I have reached inside myself to the depths of my core, and stared my fears full on in the face. Rejection, annihilation, embarrassment and all of those other nagging things that prevented me from stepping out of that cold dark place I call myself. If you just take one simple step away, you can focus more fully on other elements that you choose to ignore. The fact that my sociality has been so abused and neglected was a sore spot for myself. Alone and unwanted in my marriage, not even a girlfriend to call up and complain about my impending depression. Do you know how it feels to be completely alone? My family hundreds of miles away, the family of friends that had my respect, a fading shadow in the distance. People that cannot be bothered to call when it's my birthday, or even make the two hour drive to watch me make my biggest mistake - a marriage.

I arise from the ashes now. A phoenix.

I have phone numbers in my phone now. Ones that I call, or text message. People that I have met through my own self-sufficiency. And ones whom have deemed me worthy of presentation. I feel fortunate for the opportunity to do the things that I have been doing, and blessed to have formed friendships in such a short period of time.

I think that my next step in my self-transformation is spending time alone. I will not cut myself off entirely from this new and enchanting world, but I will find acceptance in my own company. It is not a bad thing to be alone. I live alone, surely I can go somewhere alone. Open a door to possibilities that I never knew existed. It's not like I have never gone out alone, or had dinner alone, seen a movie alone. These times it was necessity, and not something I particularly wanted to do, it was circumstance. I want to go beyond circumstance, and be comfortable with my own company, to the point where I can walk into the theatre, the club, the restaurant, and not feel like everyone is staring at me because I'm alone. Probably easier said than done, but definitely a challenge that I am up for.

~ G.

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