Memento Mori

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Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The beginning begins again.

This is the beginning of what I hope will be a documentation of the changes that are taking place on the outside, as well as the inside. This day marks the beginning of this road to independence and hopefully more self discovery.

Where does one begin, when one does not know where to begin? Where do I decide to let you into my world, and where do I decide to keep you out. I cannot remember who told me this, but someone said to me, "Gennifer, boundaries weren't meant to keep people out, but to keep yourself in." In that vein of thinking I shall say this: You will know me, as I know myself. Not keeping anything inside, but peeling back the layers so that you may see all of me. Honesty is still the best policy, especially when you are sick of deceiving yourself.

Today is the beginning of many challenges as I move into my own studio apartment in Seattle's Belltown neighbourhood. I find myself all at once thrust into this dream I had when I was younger, to live within the confines of a thriving metropolitan center. To be immersed in its own culture and customs while I go about my daily life. To feel the breath of the city on my face, and feel its heart beat under my feet as I walk the veins of its life. To find beauty in the most simple of its splendors, and to take in everything that is around me. There is this giddy, happy feeling in my heart. A million butterflies swarming my insides, making me feel like I can fly. How such simple things can satisfy my heart now.

I can already see the rebirth of myself within my fantasy turned reality. The return to the creative soul that I once was. Years ago the desire to write, or accomplish some creative feat alluded me many times, it felt like a piece of me had broken off. I had the need to write, but for some reason, I couldn't. I was stuck in this life that was based on complacency and routine. Boredom and trying to just stay sane took up all of my energy, all of the time. The work, sleep, work, wife syndrome caught up with me and it started to make me miserable.

This was the time when I stopped really caring about my darkness, so to speak. The beauty that had drawn me into the Gothic lifestyle vanished, and so did my efforts at keeping up appearances. I let my roots grow out, so that blonde showed through. I gained weight and started smoking heavily. My job turned into my only social outlet, as my husband at the time was completely cut off from the alternative scene in Seattle due to some falling out or misunderstandings. Evenings and weekends turned into binge eating and laziness and a general attitude, of I don't really care anymore. My descent into normalcy and mediocrity continued for 3 years.

One day I got so fed up with my situation, and I left. I walked out that door and the life changes began to happen right that second. No one told me though that with that sense of relief also came the nervousness of that uncertainty. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I had never left my husband before, and now I was just thrust into unfamiliar territory, and expected to tread water until help arrived.

That was back in June, and now, here it is October and I'm moving into my very own apartment. I have no one to answer to, and I will discover the joys of solitary life. Ice cream for breakfast, and Bauhaus til dawn...

~ G.