Memento Mori

My photo
Seattle, Washington, United States
Professional Darling

Friday, January 6, 2017

How I Need to Get My Life Back on Track





I feel like I'm too old to start doing anything new. That 35 is the new 65. That life just stops and nothing new can change if you're in your mid-thirties. I feel completely and utterly defeated and it's not even 10am yet.

3 years ago I was a size 10. Here I am 3 years later and I'm a size 16. I've gained a total of 65 pounds in those 3 years which is an average of just over 20 pounds a year. While I'd like to blame it all on medication, which part of it is, the truth of the matter is that I got lazy with a lot of things.

You know those Timehop and Facebook memories apps? Well I used to post a lot many years ago on FB so when these little things pop up I get a lot of things to look at. I used to post a lot of pictures of myself as well, you know, with a webcam and not a phone. *lol*  Seeing these pictures are kind of painful and you'd think they would be motivating but for some reason I just forget and fall back into old habits. It really is time for a change and I know that everyone makes new years resolutions to lose weight or eat healthy, or everything else involving physical appearance but I guess I'm just going to have to do it too. 

The thing I am most scared of is failure. I've written those words so many times. "I'm going to get healthy!" "No more excuses!" "This time I'm really going to do it!"  And how many times have I made it a couple of weeks just to fail and then stop trying altogether. How does one get motivated? How do you get motivated? I'm always saying to myself, "I wish that I had started doing this and that 6 months ago." A prime example of this was my wedding. I wanted to drop a few pounds by the time my wedding came around, and I just put it off again and again and again. Before I knew it, it was 2 months before the wedding and I had actually gained weight.

So there are a myriad of things that I need to actually do to get things done. These are things that I used to do, that I need to do. Not only do they make me feel better, but they help keep the Bipolar under control.

1. Sleep. I need at least 7 hours a night with ideally 8 and a half hours of sleep a night. I need to stop falling asleep on the couch like I've been doing for months now and actually go to bed when I'm starting to feel tired and maybe read a book until I fall asleep.

2. Night time ritual. I stopped doing this years ago. A strict night time ritual of meds, hygiene, and relaxation.

3. Daily exercise. Even if it's just getting out for a 15 minute brisk walk. Ideally I'd like to do 45 minutes a day for 6 days a week with a rest during the week. We have a gym in my work building and I can use it for free. I've made plans with my boss to go next week for three days a week. I'm going to have to go shopping though as none of my workout wear fits anymore. Great more money to go down the drain when I fucking fail.

4. Meds. I take my meds, sometimes I forget but I don't think that the meds are quite doing what they are supposed to be doing. I don't have the right cocktail again. I need to see my doctor and work out another game plan.

5. Self-Care. I do this pretty well because it's fun. I get regular mani-pedi's and even treat myself to a facial once in a while. This might be a little more difficult because we're trying to save a little money this year. So I'll schedule once every two months and try and do things at home to do a little self-care. Using facial masks, doing my own nails, dyeing my own hair. Save money and pamper, it will just take a little more work on my end.

6. Art therapy. I miss doing this and I don't know why I stopped. I did give away a lot of my art supplies though, but I do have some left and a HUGE canvas that I was trying to give away but she never picked it up. Maybe it was for a reason.

7. Journalling/Writing/Poetry. I do plan on blogging more. I picked up the 52 Lists book that a lot of people are doing, a lot of my penpals in fact. I thought it would help get me focused. I used to write everyday and lately it has been a struggle to write once a week.

8. Alcohol. I need to cut back. Self-Explanatory.

9. Motivation. If anyone knows where to find it, could you please let me know? All suggestions welcome.

I don't know whether I should dive in, or just try one thing at a time. I fear that if I do one thing at a time that it will take forever to get anywhere. There is also a tendency to fail when one takes on too much. I just feel hopeless here. Hopeless and lost. I wish someone would just tell me what to do.

-G.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

† Surface †


† Surface †



it's like walking under water
slow, cumbersome, deathly
my mind tells me that it's just another cycle
i feel like I'm losing my mind
these near constant emotions that flood the senses
bring me back to life
tell me that I am worth more than I feel
come and save me from this drowning
this sense of hopelessness
bring me back to the surface

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A Year in Review, and a Future Worth Going After


† In Victoria, BC. 10/07/16 †

You know 2016 didn't seem like a good year for anyone. A lot of our favorite celebrities died, I know of numerous people that have had health problems or just not having a good time of it at all. Here's my story.

The start of the year had me starting a new career as a Nursing Assistant. Something I always wanted to get into. I love the elderly and I love taking care of people. I attended school late in 2015 and managed to pass the course but sadly didn't pass the state exam due to an error on my partners fault. I still ended up working at two very different places in the meantime. The first place I worked at was very upscale. So upscale it was almost like a hotel. The "clients" were nice and the people that worked there were nice but the working conditions weren't so nice. I guess I never realized how underpaid nursing assistants are. You're lucky if you make $12 an hour for very grueling and hard work. You know it wasn't really the money, it was management. They constantly barked on the walkie-talkies to do this, do that, do this, do that. They would give you an entire floor to yourself and each floor had at least 15 residents that needed full time care. I lasted about a month and a half before I called it quits. I just couldn't handle management. The second place I worked at was a facility that was much simpler, and to be perfectly blunt, a dump. I thought I could make a big difference in the lives of the people there, but it turns out, I didn't have time to make a difference. It was once again, run from this resident to the next and so on, and so forth. I made it there a whopping 3 weeks before once again, I just couldn't take it. Part of it was me, I was thrown into something I wasn't ready for. Part of it was management. Part of it was the pay. I was making $12.50 an hour when I was used to making $20 and hour. It just didn't suit me at all, and I was sad when I figured that out. My dream job is still to be a nurse, but I don't think that will ever happen.

Eventually things did get better on the employment front. After I cashed in my 401k and lived off that for a while. I interviewed for many legal jobs through a temp agency. They all had the same thing to say. I wasn't conservative enough. So I conservatived up. *lol* I landed a temp gig at a medium sized firm at the end of April and they kept extending my contract. What initially was supposed to be a week turned into almost 6 months before they decided to buy out my contract with the temp agency and made me a full time employee. Finally some stability and some decent health benefits. I've been here since and at first the working conditions were great. I got along with all of my co-workers and unlike the job I got fired from, the attorneys were actually nice. About a month or so before I was hired on full time one of the other assistants started treating me differently. I'm not sure why and I actually pulled her aside one day and asked her. What I was hoping would be something positive, a way to resolve a difference or maybe I would be let in on what I might have done wrong, instead I got three short sentences that I still have saved in my drafts folder at work. "Okay we're good. No Drama. We're just working." and that was the end of that. There are days where she is nicer to me than others and for that I am thankful, but the rest of the time I just kinda sit here in obscurity. It's sad to me because she is a really great person and continues to be, but hey, not everyone can like you. I hope that one day she'll treat me the way she once did, but if not, there's nothing I can really do about it. Just sit here, do my work, and don't say a thing. I look forward to the day when we get our partitions and I can just do my own thing and not worry about anything else. Put my head down and do the work.

More on the work front, Ben finally got out of the pit that was Radio Shack and now he is working for a different company. Still retail but he comes home a lot happier and seems to enjoy it, which is a good thing. I'm sure he'll post a year in review as well so for more on that front, go and check it out.

My health has been up and down this year, which is probably on par for Bipolar. I went un-medicated for 6 months at the beginning of the year and I was doing great...until the last month of course and I crashed hard. Most of it was due to the fact that I didn't have any insurance and then after that I had crappy insurance. I ended up paying out of pocket for a visit with my psychiatrist and got on a cocktail of meds that did absolutely nothing. Because my insurance was so bad, they wouldn't cover a lot of drugs that I needed or we had to find a way to work around it. The insurance thing got so bad I was prescribed a typical anti-psychotic (old school) because none of the atypical (new school) drugs were covered. I won't mention which one, but it came with some pretty significant side effects and I knew it was pretty heavy duty. Needless to say I didn't fill that one. Once I got hired on full time though, I did get better insurance and I fought to get put back on my Latuda which I did win. I'm still not on a perfect cocktail, but it's enough to keep me stable enough to keep going. I just wonder when I will get to that point where I was three or so years ago when I felt fucking amazing. I did manage to go another year without being hospitalized -- which is monumental. That makes two years and a half years hospitalization free. So although the meds aren't working the greatest, they are working enough to keep me functional.

At the end of August Ben and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. The year went by super fast. You know what they say time flies when you're having fun. I can't believe that the time has gone by so fast. At this rate, I'll surpass my first marriage in no time!

Speaking of past marriages. I have returned to the Catholic Church again and have been enjoying my time going to mass, meeting new people and I even joined the choir. I've also decided to start the process to get my marriage annulled in the church as well. I contacted my ex-husband and he wasn't too thrilled to hear from me to say the least. He also said, "Why should I care?" and repeated several times that he was an atheist and that he "stopped believing in fairy tales." Okay I get it, your an atheist, but you know what, you don't have to be mean about it. My religion isn't a fairy tale to me and I think that if you can believe in something, and it gives you comfort, then how is that wrong? He wouldn't give me his address so that I could give it to the church so that he could be mailed the paperwork but what he doesn't know is that the church will try to find him and they might succeed. All he really had to do was get the paperwork and ignore it. Nothing more and nothing less. I am however staring down a two year wait to get the final verdict. Until then, no communion. I'll just have to live with that and I'm prepared for it, even though not partaking is difficult sometimes.

This past October saw another participation in the Out of the Darkness walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. This was my fifth year and I managed to raise quite a bit of money. Although sadly I could only make it around the course once as I was recovering from another bout of pneumonia. This is such an amazing cause and I am so thrilled to participate in it once again.

At the beginning of October I celebrated by 35th birthday in style with a wonderful long weekend holiday to Vancouver Island and Victoria with Ben. We got a killer deal from the Victoria clipper. We stayed in a beautiful suite in a really nice hotel, went and saw some fabulous exhibits at the Royal British Columbia Museum and the cherry on top --and a check off my bucket list -- was having high tea at the world famous Empress Hotel. The tea was amazing, the food was amazing, the ambiance was amazing, all of it! It will one the list of one of the top 5 best birthdays in the world.

No much going on in the social front. I've pulled back this year from the clubs as some of you might have noticed. I've been trying to get together with people at events outside of the club and even hosted some of these events myself. My The Craft viewing party at Central Cinema was a hit and I have a lot of interest in this weekend's Goth-Skate at Seattle Center for Winterfest. I'm not pulling out of the clubs because I don't enjoy going...okay that's not completely true. I feel like it's the same old thing at all the venues that cater to the darkly inclined so I don't want to go as often. I wish there was a refresh in the community. I did go to a 90's Dance Party at  LoFi and had an amazing time. I'd like to branch out more like this in the new year and try and pull myself out of the comfort zone and into different scenes. I did do a lot of one on one social outings with some great friends and I'd like to continue to do that in the future.

Earlier this year I was contacted by another person I had lost touch with, that was my fault completely. You see years ago, I was a different person. Different in good ways, and different in a lot of difficult ways. I was selfish and stubborn to name a few. Well this person decided to contact me when they heard that I was doing better. She followed my other blog (since retired) and she knew I was doing well. I'm not sure what it was that she saw in my blog, but she contacted me, and that I am grateful. We're repairing our friendship now, and that is a beautiful thing because I considered her my best friend for years. She sees the differences in me and I'm very happy for that. I am a different person.  It was before this time that I had a strong desire to contact another previous friend of mine and try to mend fences, in the very least, I do want her to know how sorry I am that I did wrong her, and that I did the things that I did. I can't count the times that I started that FB message or email and then talked myself out of it. Who wants rejection? I was so scared that she'd just tell me to fuck off and to never speak to her again. About a week and a half ago, with a little advice from a friend, I bit the bullet, put that fear of rejection and pride aside, and contacted her. The conversation at this point is slow moving, but I didn't expect it to go fast. I mean, how do you talk to someone that you haven't spoken with in two, probably three years? I'm grateful that she is speaking to me, and hope and pray that she will give me another shot. In the least, I want her to know how sorry I am. I won't deny that part of it isn't guilt, because it is, but it isn't the complete driving force. The driving force? I just fucking miss the hell out of that girl. I miss all those great times we had. Shopping, going to movies, talking, laughing, watching MLP. I miss it all. She was a great friend, and I fucked it up, fucking royally. I hope that our FB messages continue and that we work something out. I'd love to take her to dinner and just talk, like we used to. I continue to hope and pray that something good becomes of all of this. And if there comes a time that she says she just wants to be left alone, then I will and at least know that I tried and that there is no fault but my own. I will forgive myself for it, because I will need to in order to go on. Until then, I just keep hoping. I miss you A.

So what is in store for the future you ask? Well it appears that I'm kinda just stuck in this career path and you know what, that's alright for right now. Perhaps when I get back to Vancouver I'll pursue a career as a nurse, which has been what I wanted to do all along. I definitely need to get back on track with my health. And it's not a matter of the typical, "I'm going to lose weight!" It's a matter of, "I need to make these changes in my life for the good of my physical and mental health."  I was reading one of my old journals the other day and imagine my surprise when it was full of things I was doing to make myself feel good. Eating right, exercise, sleep regulation, proper medication, self-care, therapy, art therapy, journalling...the list goes on. So I'm going to take it one step at a time and I'm going to start from this day, instead of waiting until the new year. Excuses! Excuses, seem to be my middle name.

Thank you all for being a part of my life. It means more to me than you know. So here's to a happier, healthier, and more productive 2017. May it be a year of change, of hope, of faith, and most important of all, of love.

-Gennifer Holland

Monday, September 5, 2016

It's Just a Half life

Half Life

I can no longer silence her as she screams from the inside, but no one can hear her.
It's all inside her head. 
The poison that cannot be undone.
Chemical this, and chemical that. To Balance that, to balance that.
Screaming, medicate the pain
Another pill buys her another half life.
Overlapping. Never undoing. Chemical, medicinal band-aid.
She never had the courage to just let her feet drop, swan dive, swallow incessantly.
Always making phone calls or being the subject of abstract jokes and pointed stares.
Altered states.
Mental prisons. 7-10 days and then she's better at least for the moment.
She screams again, this time, out loud. No one can hear it, they just judge it.
So judge her, make your off-colour remarks and just be done with it. 
She doesn't care because she knows you haven't been there.
She knows that she can, and will continue to scream from the inside out.
Med compliant, never defiant.
It's just another pill, for another half-life.
Half Life.

Half-life is the time required for a quantity to reduce to half its initial value.  The term is commonly used in nuclear physics to describe how quickly unstable atoms undergo, or how long stable atoms survive, radioactive decay.  The term is also used more general to characterize any type of exponential or non-exponential decay.  For example, the medical sciences refer to the biological half-life of drugs and other chemicals in the body.  The converse of half-life is doubling time. 

The original, half-life period, dating to Ernest Rutherford's discovery of the principle in 1907, was shortened to half-life in the early 1950s Rutherford applied the principle of a radioactive element's half-life to studies of age determination of rocks by measuring the decay period of radium to lead-206.

Half life is constant over the lifetime of an exponentially decaying quantity.

Seclusion Room at Harborview Psych Unit

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Burn Brightly, Sweet One

it waits within me
excitement
celebratory enlightenment
pulls strings I never knew existed
but now understand
what understanding is all about

is it possible to live a waking dream?
float through the days where nothing 
is as it seems?
surreality takes the stage
and I can't help but watch as
she dances around my eyes

i can feel the pull of everlasting
of everything
that never was
and was always waiting for
that false proved lacking in positivity
and the light was actually just a shadow
that played upon my heart

everything is heated
like i knew it should be
how fluorescent and bright
the coloured hues burn
and how everything i
have ever known about what
i've known about
was everything that pales
in comparison to how 
sweet brightly burns.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Creativity in three acts

I


It's been a while. Since I touched these pages or had my heart touched by anything. I've felt the darkness tangled in with the tiny shards of light that I was given to hold on to. Too delicate to stay within my grasp, they just fell to the earth and shattered. Everything shattered, never to be put back together. It's within this place that I am living. Limbo. Do I stay vigilant to the night that is all around me, or do I attempt to bend down to pick up these tiny fragments of gold? Can I make it one more night, or do I sleep now and end the fight?

II

There is no despair within me anymore, there is only hope and this hope blossoms into these tiny flowers that dance all around me. These are the shards that fell through my hands but in their demise have bred into something that I couldn't imagine. There is beauty in death because death breeds life and this life is beautiful if you can just open your eyes. Stop and look around you at all the things that are good. Push away all of the things that are negative, that cast you into despair and melancholy. Really seeing what's around instead of pretending we know exactly what lay before us.

III

Here I stand. Halfway to nowhere but halfway to somewhere. There is hope within me and while I do not believe in fate, I do believe in love. I love myself more and more these days as I find myself in a huge healing process. Healing from hurt. The darkness isn't as dark anymore when you have someone to hold your hand.





Monday, June 17, 2013

Stop and stay a while

I remember this blog, back when I did creative writing on a regular basis. Come in, sit down and scroll through some history. Take the words and play with them in your mouth a little and see what you can come up with. Taste my words like you would a fine wine or feel my words like you would a warm sweater. Come in and watch this aspect of my life, come back to life. That part of her was gone for quite a while, savor her return.

--much more to come.


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

TB



This isn't Broken

I'm so sick of fighting this off.

this disease that consumes me.

I let it all go, feel it flood around

my feet and crawl up into my head.

you can tell me that I'm hopeless.

that I'm addicted.

and I'll tell you to just let me go

and let me go with it.

let it feed upon my insides

and let it flow out through

every pore.

in consumption, I find redemption.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Untitled

i just want to be the me that is on the inside.
i'm so tired of being someone's plaything
or after thought.
I have so much love for those people
that make me second best.
put me second choice.

i refuse to be the thing that you do
just because you want to do it.
i refuse to put my heart so out in the open
so you can just walk by and demolish it,
without a second look.
maybe that's where i become first
when its time to throw things away.
when my particulars don't match your decor.
i'm like that mis-matched sock in the back
of your drawer.
sitting
waiting
and without my beloved second thought,
thrown away.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Friday, May 18, 2012

† Lithium Princess †



† Lithium Princess



I'm staring at a bottle of prescription pills.

I know what you are,

and what you will do to me.

You won't give me a high,

and you won't make me pleasantly numb.

You'll interfere with my life,

and stigmatize me more than I already have been.



The sickness will grow with your

increasing toxicity.

450 to six

six-100 to twelve.

Pills before bed to decrease the shaking

in limbs that used to be beautiful but

now only harbour your tremble.

Convulsing pulse;

and you'll make me thirst for something I can

never touch.



You'll make me a slave to my seemingly emotionless, emotions.

And I'll be screaming on the inside to be released

from your elemental prison.

You will try and contain all that I possess,

and in the end,

grey crystal vacancy is all that will be left.



I refuse to be your broken babydoll;

your little lithium princess.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Shiny Things


I await the kiss of your cold steel around my neck, rather impatiently. Rest assured that our mutual ownership will be sooner than anyone thought and my focus will be unwavering. Until then...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Finally

I absolutely hate it when what you were looking for is staring you right in the face but you were just too blind to see it. Or my personal favorite, its in your fucking hand. I had it this entire time and it was staring me straight in the face and to add insult to injury it was in my fucking hand.

I'd elaborate but I'm too freaking tired.

Oh, and thanks for over 10,000 hits!

- GDH








Sunday, April 29, 2012

Different Parts of the Same Bird






I'm sure that it isn't a surprise that when I'm not feeling well. When I'm sad or stressed or depressed or feeling a plethora of bipolar symptoms that I go and look at pictures of birds online.

The Blue Jay is a beautiful bird that we don't have here in the Western part of the U.S. We have Stellar's Jays here in the Pacific Northwest. Unfortunately they aren't as magnificent to look at like the Blue Jays, but hey, I'll take what I can get.


What is it that makes me enjoy the Blue Jay more? Well I love the intricacies of his feathers. He has bars on his wings, a fantastic little crest and he's prettier. He's made up of so many different feathers. It's all of his little details that make him a whole bird that is different than his western counterpart Stellar.

We are all different parts of the same person and every part needs to be nurtured in order for the whole to grow.

Often times I can only see the whole part, the bigger picture in the birds. Other times, they form complicated thought patterns in my brain and I can't help but see the metaphor in my life spelled out on these beautiful feathered friends.

Monday, April 23, 2012

They call it darkness for a reason.
Deathly consuming.
It all swirls around and clouds my vision.
Black sandstorm to ease my troubled mind,
and razors edge to complete the time.
Cry for me,
and cry for those that tried.
Indifference to ease your piece of mind.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Elements of Vanilla and BDSM Sex in Opposite Lifestyles

 
If you've been living underneath a rock for the past 10 years or so, let me fill you in on a couple of things about me. I actively participate in the BDSM lifestyle and I am currently engaging in a semi-poly-full-time Master and slave relationship. I identify as a slave and masochist.

Last night I went and saw Titanic in IMAX 3-D. I have quite the thing for love stories and love on an epic and fantastical scale. I adore what love stands for in all of its many forms, so naturally having an opportunity to watch one of my comfort movies on the big screen, I jumped at the chance.  Anyways, I was enjoying the scene where Jack and Rose make love for the first time in the car down the cargo hold and it kinda hit me. Since "vanilla" people use elements of BDSM in their love lives to spice up the sex department do people that are into full time BDSM use elements of a completely "vanilla" sex as a variant to their somewhat extreme sex lives?

I've had some pretty intense scenes in my day and even now, but honestly, its not like just because I do like the extreme that I don't enjoy being held, caressed softly or believe it or not, taking the whole act of love slow. but I also wonder if I've pigeon-holed myself as a slave and as a masochist and therefore that is all that others see when they look at me? I wonder if anyone, even my Master can look at me and see someone that enjoys the more "plain-jane" and "vanilla" aspects of sexual relations?

I wonder if there is a threshold of just how much BDSM or how much "vanilla" we can take in our lives before we feel like we are stuck. So it just goes back to my initial question of, do full time BDSM relationships utilize completely vanilla techniques in an effort to change things up?

Would the sex scene in the car between Jack and Rose meant more if all Rose got on a daily basis were the face slappings and humiliation of Cal Hockley?  [for the purposes of this argument we are going to assume that Cal and Rose did have some sort of tenderness in their relationship.]



I suppose that if one is completely satisfied within the realm of their relationship then there wouldn't really be a need to explore the other end of the spectrum. I know that I am not satisfied with a purely vanilla sexual relationship but I also know that I cannot be fully satisfied with 100% BDSM aspects all the time. I mean, a slave needs sensual kissing and slow love-making every once in a while right?

I can't help but think that sometimes we categorize ourselves too much and end up missing out on other elements of intimacy because we become too comfortable in our stereotypes or we are afraid to speak up within our current roles. 

Regardless, like the rest of life, I believe that there is a balance that needs to be achieved and that the middle ground for that balance is different for all types of roles and relationships, but I still think that there is balance to be found somewhere.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Flow




Flow - transistor

i'm always swimming against the flow of the tide,

kissing the life into something that's already died.

i've been driving forever,
i'll let go.

i dive into the river,
and flow.

you said that you could hear bells in the traffic below,
i could hear sirens and car engines fighting the snow.

i've been driving forever,
i'll let go.

i dive into the river,
and flow.

flow.

i've been drowning forever,
i'll let go.

i'll dive into the river,
and flow.

i've been drowning forever,
i'll let go.

i'll dive into the river,
and flow.

flow


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Little Sister

 
Hey little sister I heard you went to Mr. So and So,
 knock knock knockin on his door again last night, 
said you needed it bad- you know that ain't right
 'Cause so many times you've come to me cry-crying trying to stop. 
you said it hurts so bad But please don't let you go back for more 
My little sister is a Zombie in a body with no soul in a role she has learned to play
 in a world today where nothing else matters but it matters, 
we gotta start feeding our souls
 Not our addiction or afflictions of pain 
to avoid the same questions we must ask ourselves to get any answers
 We gotta start feeding our souls have been lost to the millions 
with lots who feed on addiction selling pills and what's hot 
I wish I could save her from all their delusions 
all the confusion of of a nation that starves for salvation
 but clothing is the closest to approximation to God 
and He only knows that drugs are all we know of love
 Every day we starve while we eat white bread and beer instead of a handshake or hug 
We spill the pills and sweep them under the rug 
My little sister is a Zombie in a body 
with no soul in a role she has learned to play
 in a world today where nothing else matters but it matters,
 we gotta start feeding our souls 
Hey little sister I heard you went to Mr. So and So's 
Knock, knock, knockin' on his door again last night 
Said you needed more

Onward, Forever Onward.




An open letter to all those that care,

I'm going to be okay. Sometimes the nights seem so long and so lonely but I always wake up the next morning. Sometimes I'm no worse for wear, and other times well its hard to get out of bed. The beacon of hope and light that comes through the darkness are all of you that are reading this right now. The ones that care enough to check in on me and to wonder if I'm okay.

You're the woman next door that keeps her phone by the bed in case I need to call. --JLL

You're the man that I barely see that takes the time to talk to me through all the birthday madness. --AM

You're the girl that pours out her love through her eyes and rubs my back ever so lightly because it hurts so much. --SR-M

You're the man that barely knows me that texts me and tells me that he cares. --JH

You're the woman that holds me up when all I can see are the tears in my eyes. --AJJ

You're the man that will do anything, just to get me back into the world. --MNF

I sit here and I think of all of you that care so much and I think of all the harm I can cause, have caused. The hurt and the pain, the emotional disparity. I can also think of the love, hope and kind words that I am capable of and the drive to keep going. I can be the suicide letter you find at the bottom of the drawer that I forgot I put there because all I am now is happy.

I am the bruises you notice. I am the red underneath my eyes. I'm the girl that will make it out alive, even though all she wants to do is lay down and die.

I'm the trust I put in you, and the brain that tries to defeat it.

I'm self-destruction and I am self-preservation. I am the liar and the truth. The piece of sanity in this madness.


I've been sober for a day or so. The sickness washes over me and I'm kneeling over the kitchen sink staring at the breakfast I just ate and thinking about how much of a waste of money that was. :P My body tries desperately to purge the sickness out of me; foreign chemicals and resistance.  I am a huge decision in the making and a huge failure just waiting to happen. There are things that I do not wish to think about and I am the things that I am forcing myself to think about.

Norwescon was a bust. I failed miserably at something I was looking forward to, and I did some damage that I'm not sure I can repair. Even if it is fixable, I'm not sure that my willingness will be expected or trusted. I know what was said and all I can do is keep moving and to concentrate on me. Loving me, faults and all. Bipolar or not, this is me.

An overused quote: “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”   ---Marilyn Monroe.

I'm sticking to that. When I'm on, I'm ON and when I'm off I'm OFF the FUCKING charts. You think its bad to deal with, try living it.

To all those that have offered their love and support without conditions or judgment...you are why I am still alive. You are the numbered reasons why I am sitting here listening to birds and I can feeling the spring sunshine on my scars. Healing may not be swift, but onward...forever onward.

Love,
- G.

Hopeless or Hopeful?





This photo was taken earlier this evening on my way out to see a friend for her birthday. I put on the wig because I didn't want to do my hair and it was a mess anyways. I like my pink wig. It wasn't until I got home and uploaded this picture that I saw what everyone else saw. I'm broken and vacant. The worst part is that in this picture I am wearing concealer underneath my eyes to try and hide the bags, but they are still plainly visible.

This is what an alcoholic looks like. This is what an addict looks like. This is what untreated bipolar looks like.

You can only hide and cover it all up for so long before it all becomes clear to everyone but you. I can try and fix this huge mess or I can lay down and die. Which one is worth fighting for?